TAKE THE HINT TONSIL LICKER
I met this guy on Bumble and decided to invite him over to ‘chill’ when he tried to lick my tonsils – it was not a vibe. We were grinding in our underwear when he whispers “I’m going to cum”. So, for whatever reason I decided to give him a blow job which only took a minute or so. I spent the next four weeks politely responding to every one of his messages letting him know I wasn’t interested. If he spent half as much time erect as he did convincing me I should see him again, it still wouldn’t have been worth it. The tonsils are not the part of the body you should lick if you want a second date.
IS WATER WET? FUCK KNOWS BUT I WAS.
In case you’ve been living under a fucking rock, the Olympics are taking place in Tokyo right now so it seemed fitting to recall the time I fucked an Olympian. We went to high school with each other but it wasn’t until I left for university that we ‘linked up’ between trimesters. He had a key for the local kayaking club and after a romantic paddle on the water we went inside to shower. Being the only ones there, we went upstairs where things escalated quickly and before I could name the colours of the Olympic rings I was bent over a communal couch overlooking the mighty awa. Go for gold buddy!
GOT AN EYE PROBLEM CHAMP?
I was wanking off an ex-boyfriend and must have been doing something right because he was significantly more enthusiastic than any other time in our relationship and ended up finishing on his own face. He screamed at me to get him a flannel because his ‘boys swam into his retina.’ I thought it was hilarious – he did not. Aim better, am I right?
TAIL-BONES SUCK TBH
I’m unsure how familiar you are with gay sex and the inner workings of general anatomy, but there’s really only one place for you to put it in. Now, this is very fucking close to a kinda hard bone, with really small room for error in the heat of passion. Take those facts and mix in alcohol and you have one really awkward visit to A&E with two separate ice packs. Gives a whole new meaning to blowing that back out.
LET THEM EAT CAKE
I was drinking with some colleagues at my part-time job when I told them that I made the 10th guy I had sex with buy me a cake to mark the occasion. From then on we used ‘cake numbers’ as a metric. I don’t know which is more worrying, the guy with a single slice or the girl who could be a pastry chef.
HALF’A
As a young and impressionable boy, I got a complex because the first girl I ever took home I couldn’t finish with. I made the mistake of telling my friends who, for far too long, convinced me I was a half virgin because penetration isn’t sex. To this day the nickname ‘half’a’ still gets used and the debate rages on.
EDWARD PRUNEY-HANDS
So I had come out of my first long term relationship and wasn’t really having a great time. I had been lucky enough to have sex with a few well-intentioned rebounds, two of which I had fallen asleep during because of a mix of alcohol and drugs. I genuinely wasn’t sure if I was supposed to enjoy sex. Then it happened a third time, embarrassingly while I still had three fingers inserted in someone. I’m not sure how long it was till she realised it but I slowed down on the drinking for a while after that.
