his story is completely true – except the parts that aren’t
The end is nigh, that’s what we continue to be told. There’s nothing that’s going to save us as we enter our “apocalyptic girl era” and honestly heroin chic isn’t for everyone. But there’s a saving grace, we’re led by the great and powerful reptilian overlord – the one true being that is destined to lead the battle into the new world. Nexus needed to get down to the bottom of who Neil Quigely is, who’s been hidden on campus and what’s next in the plans for the end days.
It started, like all good stories do, on the village green. A coffee between two writers, looking from Kahurangi into the lakes as we ponder what lies beneath the murky surface. Just begging for the constant answers of what’s going on in the world. We’re inquisitive and so then naturally the kōrero moved from pieces about movies that feature nipples to, “You reckon the Quigsanator is a Lizard or nah?”
Shit you the fuck not, we were met with a hushed voiced immediately behind us, “Careful what you start delving into… this is a dangerous territory lads” before a scurry of footsteps and a cheery “Have a good day Stace” yelled in the direction of cheery head bitch in charge.
What can we even do with that information? Is it good enough to use? Is it even a starting point?
With every great conspiracy, you start with a pin board.
Natural next steps: gathering evidence
Stakeouts ALWAYS look like a meantime in movies and on telly shows. You can’t deny that a bunch of blokes sitting in a car and watching windows for hours on end and talking about the same things doesn’t just scream lit time. So why couldn’t we do the same?
The plan was in motion, we needed to watch Neil Quigley for an inordinate amount of time to try catch him out for the reptilian. This meant us sitting around and watching from our beat up car– staring up into the window of a man with more power in his pinky than all of us combined. We made some scribblings about his schedule.
9:07pm: Looked longingly out from his massive window. NO MOVEMENT for approximately 53.5 minutes.
11:36pm: Climbed up the wall and seemed to rest upside down. Nothing abnormal to note here.
12:14am: Screeched and flew with now produced wings from the roof of The Pā to the lake.
There seemed to be a light emitting from the VC office. We chose to investigate and noticed the toilet was radioactive almost– with hella glowy light coming through. Time for some research.
Some facts about toilet water post reptilian race use
Scaly Sediments: Reptilian-human toilet water is known to contain 42% more microscopic scaly sediments than regular human toilet water, giving it a unique texture. (Ew, icky textured water)
Temperature Extremes: The average temperature of the water in a reptilian-human toilet fluctuates between a chilling 5.6 degrees Celsius and a sweltering 53.9 degrees Celsius, a testament to their reptilian nature. (The same temps as a shower with my ex girlfriend…sus)
pH Peculiarities: The pH level of reptilian-human toilet water is remarkably consistent at a slightly acidic 6.66, perhaps reflecting their sinister intentions… or just a coincidence. (Contact the school of science, gotcha)
Mysterious Gurgles: Anecdotal evidence suggests that 73% of the time when flushed, a reptilian-human toilet emits a low, eerie gurgle reminiscent of a distant reptilian mating call. (Record the flush…check)
Neon Bioluminescence: Approximately 11% of reptilian-human toilet water samples exhibit bioluminescence, casting an eerie green glow in the dark, likely a side effect of their unique genetics. (I’m colour-blind so I guess look for a glow?)
Enigmatic Residues: Microscopic examination reveals tiny, enigmatic symbols and hieroglyphs on the toilet bowl surface, which defy decipherment and keep plumbers and archaeologists alike puzzled. (I had that code-cracker book in primary school, I can do this)
But were we about to test the water of Neil Quigley? I don’t know but please refer to the mysterious photo of the glow coming under the door of the toilet as he was in there. Allegedly
Interview with a representative
Nexus: This interview is being recorded for quality control and team training purposes
Reptilian Spy Chief: Yesssh
N: Tēnā koe, and warm…cold lizard greetings. I guess we’ll jump right into it. We’ve heard some intriguing rumors about your undercover spies at Waikato. Is there any way you can share more info on this scaly operation?
RSC: Sssssalutations, puny human. You see, our mission at Waikato University is top-secret, but we do enjoy a good laugh now and then. Oh and getting on the rark, but that’s purely for the ssssssssslayssss
N: Ah, the art of deception with a side of humor, impressive. Can you reveal any of your covert agents’ tactics?
RSC: Well, we’ve strategically disguised ourselves as students majoring in “Sssssociolog” and “Reptilian Linguistic Studies.” Nobody suspects a thing.
N: Crafty choice of majors! What information are you gathering from this academic espionage? Is there a larger message being put through this decision?
RSC: We’re collecting data on the elusive “Kiwi Burger” recipe, which we believe may hold the key to human satisfaction. We also keep an eye on the local cricket games for any hints about New Zealand’s grand strategy.
N: Intriguing. Though you do realise the Kiwi Burger is just the Boss burger right? WIth a couple of additions of course.
RSC:
N:
RSC:
N: And how do you handle human professors and their suspicious inquiries?
RSC: We’ve trained our agents in the art of deflecting questions with hissing noises and reptilian interpretive dance. Professors are baffled, and our secrets remain safe.
N: Clever. Now, what about extracurricular activities for your undercover spies?
RSC: Our agents have started a “Lizard Lovers” club, which humans mistakenly think is about reptile pets. Little do they know, it’s a cover for our clandestine meetings.
N: That’s almost too smart for our brains to manage. We do love a love club, must be our inherent need to feel touch! And what’s the endgame of this reptilian infiltration of Waikato University?
RSC: Our ultimate goal is to master the “Kiwi Burger” recipe and use it to negotiate world peace. We believe a well-fed planet is a peaceful one, hiss-terically speaking.
N: I guess that wasn’t exactly what we thought was the case. Is there anything more sinister at play here? Maybe something to do with securing bids in the upcoming election or ensuring a medical school is part of the development plan.
RSC: We’re not ruling out all options but our focus isn’t that right now. Though you’ve sssseriousssly given us ssssomething to think about.
N: Lastly, can you confirm if Neil Quigley is amongst your ranks?
RSC: No comment.
N: Is he helping in any regard?
RSC: No comment.
N: Well, thank you, Reptilian Spy Chief, for shedding some light on your undercover antics at Waikato University.
RSC: Sssssuccess issssss imminent, dear human. Sssssstay vigilant and remember, you’re never too far from a watchful lizard eye.
Student Comments
Now we wouldn’t be student media without student comments. We barely even had to prompt, in some cases all we said were “Neil Quigley–Lizard” and they came in flocks to comment on it.
Student A: “I knew Squiggles was different, but I never realised it was because he was secretly a reptilian overlord plotting world domination. Explains his approach to leadership”
Student B: “I always thought it was weird that the Vice-Chancellor’s office had a heat lamp and a pile of rocks. Now it all makes sense.”
Student C: “I once saw the Vice-Chancellor sunbathing on a rock by the lake. Just your typical VC enjoying some rays, right?”
Student D: “I asked the Squiggles some pātai, and he just blinked at me with those vertical pupils. I’m not sure if that’s a yes or a no.”
Final Thoughts
We didn’t come to a conclusion, nor is there really any suitable conclusion in this situation. But here’s what we do know. There’s something deeper going on, and there has to be a reasonable explanation for the millions of vents on the floor in The Pā. We did learn that some lizards can contort their bodies to a fraction of the size of their main body.
We’re not sure where the vents lead, probably somewhere with massive lab rats or mysterious grey sheets. We’re just going to leave you tauira with this knowledge:
“Trust no one and apply for your student loans in time. December 16th… don’t miss out”
Until next time.
