So, you’ve heard rumours about the impending World War 3, and you’re thinking, “How the fuck can I avoid being drafted?” Well I’m not some miracle worker, I can’t just help us all when helping myself proves difficult enough. But here’s what I can do. Create a dummy list that helps you perhaps start looking at alternatives to fighting for your country and proving you’re worthy of valhalla. I watched Max Max: Fury Road. Let me live bro.
Become a Full-Time Influencer: It’s time to monetize your life kings and queens. Start an Instagram account dedicated to posting pictures of your toes, and watch the followers roll in. When the draft board comes knocking, just tell them you’re too busy influencing to be bothered with tanks and stuff. They’ll understand.
Embrace the “Meme-litia”: If there’s one thing the military can’t handle, it’s a meme insurgency. Form an underground meme militia with your Gen Z comrades and fight back with the deadliest weapon of all: humour. Send them so many memes that they’ll surrender just to get you to stop.
Claim to Be a Plant: Adopt a “Save the Earth” persona and insist that you’re a sentient plant that can’t possibly be of any use in a war. Show up to the draft office dressed as a potted ficus and declare, “I photosynthesize for peace!”
Organise a TikTok Flash Mob: Convince all your friends and followers to participate in a synchronised dance protest in the middle of the draft office. You might not be able to make a statement but you’ll look like a dick enough for them to give you a pass. Or leave while they’re laughing.
Start a Podcast: Announce your intention to launch a groundbreaking podcast exploring the emotional intricacies of World War 3. Tell them you need to stay neutral for the sake of journalistic integrity. After all, someone has to report on the war from the comfort of their soundproof studio.
Declare Yourself an Essential Social Media Influencer: Convince the draft board that you provide an essential service to society by curating the perfect TikTok trends and hashtag challenges. Tell them, “Without me, who’s going to be the next Addison Rae?”
Stage a “Millennial vs. Gen Z” Battle: Organise a mock battle between Millennials and Gen Z-ers, and then livestream it on YouTube. When the military comes calling, tell them you’re too busy settling generational scores and can’t be bothered with real wars.
Become a politician: They’re exempt from everything.