Oh, I’ve been waiting for this one! Not nearly talked enough about, burning star syndrome has caused me far too many dollars in therapy and trauma I’ve only realised existed since getting help. I think all of us clock pretty young that the better we perform in areas of our life, the better outcomes we will receive. Pair this with undiagnosed ADHD or OCD, and you’re in for one spicy life!
I was always a super bright child but never really got much credit for it. I had to be the fastest and smartest to get praise. I asked myself who I wanted credit from, and the most obvious answer was my parents. Or mainly, parents. It’s funny the things you don’t add up until you’re an adult, but I think I thought if I were exceptional enough, maybe I would have a better relationship with my dad. At least the attention I think I always wanted but never admitted. This made me obsessed with schoolwork, and the older I got, the more I obsessed about ways I could prove and show how well I was doing. This led me to get accepted into university at fifteen, something none of my peers even considered. I started university at 16, leaving high school to do so. I completed my whole degree online and graduated at 19. I knew I was the youngest person in that Graduation hall. I knew how proud I should be.
I knew how proud people with families and friends who celebrated their achievements would be. I had built this day up so much in my head that I thought it would all pay off, and I would finally get attention and acknowledgement from the people I craved. Instead, my beautiful mother came with me, but just her. I mean, I’m aware of how privileged I have been in life, but watching how other families celebrated them and how proud parents, especially dads, were of their daughters got to me. Instead, my dad texted me congratulations on the wrong day and sent me $20 to buy myself a drink. It could be worse, I know, but this was the time I finally realised no matter how much mahi I did and no matter how much I achieved in life, It was only for myself, and getting a degree at 19 did not feel like anything, I felt like it was wasted effort. It’s also notable that succeeding in a society with so much Tall Poppy syndrome is so odd; none of my friends reached out to say congratulations, and even throughout my studies, they dismissed my achievements when I wanted to celebrate.
What next? Well, I always thought I’d head straight into the corporate world and work my way up. After that day, that was the last thing I wanted to do. I realised I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had no idea what I cared for and what made me happy at the end of the day. I think most 20-year-olds have the same feeling, but to have felt like I was sure for so many years to suddenly be out in the world with a degree and no goals felt weird. There are no more tests to ace and no more people to prove wrong—nothing to prove to myself even. I’m sure so many of us are in this situation, academically, aesthetically or aesthetically. Especially in a world where the standards are getting so much higher, we are shown ‘perfection’ much more than our parents ever were.
The pressure is awn!
I think about what I wish I could have told my younger self and even what I wish I could tell my dazed and confused self now, and I think it’s just the need for a conversation. This is normal. I wish someone had pulled me aside and asked who or what I was working so hard for. I think our passions should be nurtured so much more. I’m still figuring things out, but I know it took a three-year degree and blood, sweat and tears to realise that I just wanted to write, not be some tech guru. When my first ever article was published in my wee local newspaper, I felt prouder than I ever was for that degree. I was prouder than I had ever been because I had done it for me.
I don’t think this article is finished; like myself, I think we are all figuring it out day by day. As cheesy as it is, I can say to nurture and heal your inner child sooner rather than later, at least before you get sucked into corporate life or something you don’t enjoy! And hey, maybe you’ll never lose that praise kink 😉
