In the summer it appears as a rainbow of NBA singlets inspired by recent playoff darlings and all-stars. Then autumn comes, bringing out the more authentic Super Rugby swag around home games and local pubs. Winter encourages combos like the hoodie-NFL jersey marriage, and spring breathes life into the endless rabbit hole of football kit.
In all these instances, you have every right to wear whatever sport, team or player you choose, regardless of actual allegiance or sporting knowledge. You may equip these jerseys as pure fashion statements, but you must always be aware of the sulky sports fan quietly judging you from afar. Diehard sports fans belong to a subculture known to be a little sensitive at times, with unwritten rules and lifelong rivalries. So, to best equip you against these sweaty, grumpy beasts, here’s a few sports jersey commandments to live by.
Rule 1 – The Full Monty
Under no circumstances should you wear both the top and bottom portion of a team’s uniform, e.g. a Lakers singlet and a Lakers pair of shorts (probably just don’t wear anything Lakers). This infringement is known as the Full Kit Wanker and should be avoided at all costs if you’re over the age of 6.
Rule 2 – Cross Contamination
You cannot wear a sports jersey of one team and have on a hat or beanie representing another. Your wardrobe can represent seventeen different leagues but conflicting pieces should never debut together. It would be like wearing a ‘save the rainforest’ t-shirt while sporting a pair of freshly poached Jaguar slippers.
Rule 3 – Group Policy
Communication is key when it comes to wearing anything sports with your mates. There should be a strict one jersey per group rule in place. As soon as a second friend shows up in violation of this they must burn their jersey on the spot in a sacrifice to the sporting gods.
Rule 4 – Unspecial Edition
It’s best to avoid any special edition jerseys that stray too far from canon. This includes any neon or camouflage colourways as well as those god-awful Mitchell & Ness minimalist designs. Not only are they visually heinous, they also scream ‘I don’t actually watch this sport.’
Rule 5 – Relevancy Clause
The player on your jersey should have a reasonable level of relevance in regards to them either a) still playing for that team or b) still playing at all. It’s worth doing a quick audit to make sure your collection is up to date. There are of course exceptions to both clauses including if the player had their best years with that team or if they’re in the Hall of Fame.
Rule 6 – Nothing Personal
Best to stick to real life rosters rather than ordering a personalised name for your jersey. Not only is it usually more expensive but it’s just a bit confusing. Are there no players worthy of reppin’? Is this a weird fantasy in which you’re the starting QB for the Green Bay Packers? Far too many questions, just get that Luka jersey that’s been in your cart for three weeks.
Rule 7 – Untucked
Most jersey designs often lean towards a baggier fit which, based on the laws of nature, should reject any attempts to tuck the waist. If you find yourself or a loved one tucking a sports jersey into a pair of jeans either forcefully untuck it on the spot or remove the jeans completely.
