Aries-How are those SSRI’s working out… you’ve forgotten to take them again, haven’t you
Taurus- Happy Taurus season queen! Make sure all your non Taurus friends give you 50 bucks as they are legally required to
Gemini- If you like Noah Kahan’s new album, you’ll love: going to therapy (me too)
Cancer: I am unable to provide you with a horoscope today due to legal reasons and an NDA
Leo: Go buy yourself a treat, like a chocolate bar, or a non-oppressive economical system
Virgo: Do you have a cat? Give it to me. It’s mine now
Libra: All good things must come to an end, like your old shirt. Please throw it out, it’s so holey the pope wants to live in it.
Scorpio: Don’t let them tear you down. Follow your dreams, you CAN work up the courage to send your wrong order back.
Sagittarius: Some people say you can’t have a bad idea and bad execution, but you certainly showed them
Capricorn: Answer me these riddles three: what are your security questions, IRD number, and credit card details?
Aquarius: If you’re looking for a sign, the answer is yes. Hope that sign doesn’t screw you over.
Pisces: Pisces are so cool and awesome and will have the bestest luck ever, I am totally not being held at gunpoint by my friend right now
