The other week I had a panic attack. But it was unlike any panic attack I’d had before. I call it a spicy panic attack. It had an extra flavour and kick to it, and caused me some bowel irregularities.
I drove into the car park building at work. I was tired and early to work by about half an hour. I leaned back to rest my eyes (because of my Crohn’s I don’t have a lot of energy). After a few minutes I thought it was time to walk to my office. But I couldn’t get out of the car. It was as if the car was the safest place in the world and outside of it was the upside down. Like I was playing the world’s shittiest game of the floor is lava.
It took me an hour to get out of the car. I just couldn’t do it. It was like that feeling when you’re so depressed you don’t want to get out of bed, even though you want to. Except I was in a car out in the world.
I was scared, dizzy and disorientated. I couldn’t remember the drive to work. No thoughts had triggered this, I was actually pretty happy and just tired. No “logical” flow chart of circumstances (fuck you CBT), just an overwhelming sense of dread. My brain felt like some cannibal had opened my head and started stirring my brain with a spoon like that scene with the monkey in Temple of Doom. I called my IBD nurse, and she organised a bed for me to lay down in and called the Crisis team. They were amazing and we talked through things, the noise in my head died down, the ringing in my ears calmed to a distant dial tone. Again, I felt as if this little hospital room was the safest place in the world and if I went outside I’d be chased by Demogorgons. Yes, I have been watching A LOT of Stranger Things lately. I then waited till I felt that feeling left me enough, went home, and relaxed in the safety of home and my family.
I’m gradually recovering, with the help of my family. It was quite a shock as you can imagine. My brain still tells me that things may not get better, even though they almost certainly will. I’m not sharing this story because I have any answers, and I’m not sharing this story to give any tips or stories of hope. I’m sharing this story because I know there are others who have similar experiences. The idea is not to solve each other’s problems, but maybe to understand each other a bit more, and support each other a bit more.
That’s how they defeated the demogorgons.
Dammit, sorry.
