HEADS UP: THE FOLLOWING COLUMN DEALS WITH UNALIVE-ING, AND CONVERSATIONS AROUND MENTAL STRESS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, OR NOT AT ALL.
When I was 17, I drank a very good beer. It was a very good beer, bought with a fake ID, my name was Brian McGee, I stayed up all night listening to Queen, when I was 17…
- Homer Simpson
17 was also the year that I attempted suicide.
Weren’t expecting that, were you? That’s what suicide does to those with no experience of it. It shocks you, and it can jump out of nowhere. The person who has taken their own life seemed to be fine. They’re saying “thanks, I’m feeling much better,” when you ask them how they’re doing; they’re making jokes and brushing it off.
For me, I was shutting the world out and sticking to my own stuff. I was in the student halls at AIT at the time. I didn’t know many people, found it hard to relate to others, was trying to deal with physical health issues, was on anti-depressants that weren’t working, and didn’t know who to talk to about it (even if I wanted to).
One miserable night by myself, I tried taking all the remaining antidepressants with a few swigs of vodka. Fortunately for me, I hadn’t taken enough to do any real damage, and I woke up the next evening. I went on with my life, didn’t attempt suicide again, and didn’t tell anyone what I had tried to do until ten years later. I’ll be honest with you – since that attempt, every time I have felt ultra-stressed, suicide has popped up as an option. A distant option, but it lurks there in the back of the bus, trying to get my attention. I’ve never entertained it further than that, but it’s still faintly there. The fact that I tried to go there all those years ago gave it a ticket to climb aboard.
If you are feeling like this now, you’re not fucked up.
It’s normal.
The trick is, as the driver of your own bus, to not let it get a voice in. Put more things in the front of the bus to drown it out. Phone lines and counsellors can help, and I highly recommend trying them. Your best bet is to try and create your own support networks when you’re able to. If you’re an outgoing party person, go out to parties and find people you can trust. If you’re more of an introverted weirdo like me, believe me, there are a lot more of us at Uni than you might imagine. Or maybe you might like to find someone from the other species: outgoing people, go find an introvert to listen to The Cure with. Introverts, go find a jock to watch the All Blacks with and make dodgy comments about scrums.
The best way for us all to survive is to do it together.
Take care.