Like many of you, I was raised through the boom of Rugby and saw the rise and fall of some of our greats. I saw the incessant push for Stat cards in Weetbix boxes (I see them still being shoved down throats even now), and I was also one of the lucky kids to shake Tane Umaga’s hand in 2003 at primary school. I have to say all the details because fuck me, it was an inspirational moment in my life. But like most of you, I wasn’t able to see past the Gilbert Rugby balls and post-match banter to understand the flailing instability of our Union. I think I’ve approached this all wrong, implying I’m going to break down Union Rugby and how it can be fixed – I’m not the person who can do that. I actually want to just talk about the state of Rugby and how it’s kind of in its flop era.
June 22 saw Mark Robinson releasing details regarding the 5 year strategic plan for NZ rugby. This is made up of four essential pillars, enhancing their success up until 2026. These pillars being:
- Winning with mana
- Rugby at the heart of our communities
- Loved game, loved brands
- Unleashing rugby’s commercial potential
That’s cute and all, and I’m sure it means certain success for the Union, but I want to discuss something much larger than this. We’ve seen it all before right? The main structure of these pillars are staples within the Union for like, ever? Basically what they’re saying is, to continue success, we need to build ads and make sure people like rugby. That would explain wanting to shove those Stat Attacks back down our throats in rapid succession. But wait a minute, haven’t we seen commercial growth over the past 30 odd years? New Zealand Rugby has recently agreed terms for its much-craved cash injection, shaking hands with the players’ union to sell a minority stake to private equity firm Silver Lake. The NZR board announced the deal in June, which will see the American firm invest an initial $NZ200m ($A186m) to own 5.71% of NZR’s commercial arms. NZR, NZRPA, and Silver Lake will also create an international rugby investment vehicle called “Global Rugby Opportunities” as part of the deal. Meaning there’s an expected growth in revenue through intended commercial success and globalisation of loving the game, building on the final pillar in Robinson’s grand plan.
So, in the grand tradition of breaking down shit and going on a deep dive, here’s some of the more commercial things that have been successful and some of the things that haven’t. Hoping someone over at Silver Lake or NZR notices my list and doesn’t make the same mistakes of those before them.
Jonah Lomu Rugby – Ka Pai
If you were one of those kids with money, good for you cunt, but I wasn’t. But I had a good mate back up north who had a PlayStation (shout-out to you Jamal) and we’d go so hard at this beast. Prior to your yearly shit-fests that were Rugby ‘04 onwards franchise. Starting off strong with this one though, Jonah Lomu is a king so this game is not short of a gold-plated glory.
What’s good about it:
As a pioneer in Rugby based video games, it was appealing to the wider market of kids that loved rugby but didn’t want to get their head fucked in and smashed – I get it buddy. The graphics are a product of their time, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m not a huge gamer, but the gaming dynamics were dope and it was fairly foolproof so anyone could pick it up. The marketing team responsible understood their target audience and made a game that I’m sure some burly dad yelled at his kid about when he wasn’t passing or playing through correctly. Just fucking listen.
Lithium Ion battery – Kotiro Ma
This isn’t just about the battery, but honestly the wide range of power tools released adorning the All Blacks silver fern and all over black appearance. Okay, I know I’m not the biggest lad out there but I’m fairly certain that there’s gotta be a better of way of schlanging meat than carrying around those fuck ugly brushless drills and an angle grinder. Those batteries are just a waste of money, supporting the teams by going to a game is a better use of your dosh.
What’s good about it:
Literally nothing.
Weetbix Collectors Cards + Tin Box – Big fucking Ka Pai
I’ve mentioned that Stat Attack is back, but here’s the thing. They’ve been doing these for yonks, promoting the game and collecting players like they’re yu-gi-oh and I was here for it. I’ve never been a huge collector of anything but those Carter, Somerville, and obviously Mealamu. They were like gold to me and I wanted them more than anything in my life. And then, the tin for our weetbix… fuck bro – you have no idea how much I vyed for that damn Weetbix tin. I have a confession, I do still have mine and I use it regularly. I swear that it keeps those things so damn fresh bro.
What’s good about it:
They don’t age and the sentimental value alone is enough to have anyone crying tears as they find them in the back of the kitchen junk drawer.
Birth Certificate – Kotiro Ma
At its core, I understand it. You know, as Kiwis, it’s in our blood to have national pride in our team – but to the point of having it plastered across one of the most, arguably, important documents that you’ll carry with you for life.
What’s good about it:
It’s a birth certificate, so it’s going to allow you the ability to get shit. So there’s that going for it I guess.
Car Mats – Ka Pai?
Here’s a divisive one. I kinda fuck with those rubber mats, they’re great for keeping your car clean and easy as fuck to wash off. But that’s where my love for them ends, at the rubber. They’ve got a large as fuck silver fern across them and I’m sure there’s a few people that like it- I don’t.
What’s good about it:
The rubber is easy to clean and they’re black so they’ll go with everything. But that big ass silver fern can fuck off.
Honourable Mentions:
- Rugger
- Smallblacks TV
The point I need to reiterate is that I don’t hate Union Rugby, my heart is and will always remain in club teams and after-match beers and kai, but rather I hate commercial Union and what it stands for: money. Money is in the game, I get it, but commercial growth isn’t the be all and end all of general success in Rugby. It’s in our blood and we’re going to support the boys in black without the added pressure of blowing a months salary on some useless shit that doesn’t prove anything except an inate need to flex some fuck ugly, silver fern branded condoms. You get the idea.
