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Faking It – Issue 13

There are three little words with the potential to make or break the vibe if said while in a compromising position. Not “I love you”, but “Are you close?” 

Perhaps you might have heard of the orgasm gap (correction: everyone has heard of the orgasm gap). A lot of women have a hard time reaching orgasm. So, sometimes, they fake it.   Anyone can fake an O, it’s true. But women fake it the most often. Research has shown that women’s chance of O-ing is halved in casual sex compared to women in relationships, and alcohol – aphrodisiac though it may be – drops those chances even further. So if you’re a guy that thinks a chick has never faked an O with you, I have some bad news, champ. Many, many straight women (queer liaisons = significantly better odds) have never had an orgasm. Some women fake it for decades. Some fake it for entire marriages. That, my friends, is bleak. 

Why fake it? Well, the sex was shit. No, I’m (mostly) kidding. More often than not, faking it isn’t intended to be an arsehole move. It’s called a sexual performance, and what good is any performance without a strong finale, right? That pressure is one factor. Presumably, we like you enough to have traversed to the bedroom, therefore we like you enough to want you to remember this escapade as being really fucking memorable. And that means both parties reach climax. Without wanting to make our inamorato feel inadequate, sometimes the magic just ain’t happening, so pretending seems like the easiest option. Maybe we’re faking it because we don’t want to seem like a failure, or less feminine, or less sexy or whatever because we can’t reach it. Maybe we’re just tired. Maybe it’s the faster solution; enduring a marathon session of being pounded like a topside roast with a meat mallet when a guy is just determined to make it happen can be painful. Mentally, and physically (have you ever had your junk swell up? It’s not fucking nice). Guys that don’t care about making a woman cum have a special place in hell, but the “I’m Not Going To Stop Going Until You Cum – I Am Determined To Validate My Sexual Prowess As A Man” guy is misdirected. Comforting an emasculated ego is extra work. No offense. Faking it is a finish that wraps things up on our own terms. For whatever the reason may be, rest assured that if a chick looks perfectly put together and great while they’re doing it, that’s evidence enough to suggest it’s probably fake. Just saying. 

When I first learned that faking it was even a thing, I promised myself I would never do it. Why give someone the validation if they didn’t earn it? Mumma didn’t raise me to buy into prioritising male entitlement to sexual pleasure, for fuck’s sake. But “never” turned into doing it just once (three hours plus is just excessive), then doing it just twice (the lad just seemed so fucking happy with himself, bless his heart). Could kick myself for unjustifiably boosting the egos of a couple of bonafide fuckboys. So, I’ve re-promised myself to never do it again. And I want anyone reading this too, as well. Doesn’t matter how cute he is. Doesn’t matter if you want to ‘look good.’ No more unearned awards for participation. 

At some point or another, you’ve got to communicate what you like. Much like owning a Chanel bag, sure the knockoff might look the same from the outside, but that doesn’t stop the guilt from KNOWING it’s fake. Besides, it doesn’t even compare to the feeling of having the real deal. If you keep faking it, ol’ comrade there will never learn what you really like. The further in you get, the more difficult it is to say “Oh, babe? Awkward, but like every orgasm you’ve given me for the past ten months? Yeah, I faked them all.” Faking it means you both lose. Anyone would feel pretty crappy knowing that their partner had to pretend to orgasm, remember that. The preferable alternative is to get it right from the early days. Right off the bat, my diagnosis is that there’s probably not enough foreplay happening and insufficient clit action (we’re all adults here, right? You can handle hearing the word clitoris?). It has less to do with vessel size and much more to do with ocean motion. And also whether the captain allows enough time at port for all passengers to get off. But that’s enough metaphors about sea-men. 

We’re all led to think guys’ orgasms are easy, whereas making a women orgasm is rocket science, right? Well, no. That’s a cultural belief, not a biological fact. There’s literally no data to show that some women aren’t capable of orgasm. The problem is a mixture of partners not knowing what they’re doing, and women not knowing what to do, either. You’ve probably heard that, as a chick, being able to cum is – at least in part – tied up in the whole mental game of accepting yourself and having the confidence to communicate your wants, and yadda yadda. It’s like having a socially anxious vagina, if you will. 

Advice like “Just relax” and “It’ll happen, don’t rush it” is well-intentioned bullshit. It encourages a passive approach where you’re placing the responsibility entirely in somebody else’s hands to figure out what you like. There’s this weird belief that women can just park up on their back, do absolutely nothing, and climax within minutes of a penis entering orbit. But if it hasn’t worked so far, it’s probably not going to work now. So, give up the acting career, and embark on some personal education. 

Brace yourselves, I’m about to use the m-word. Chicks’ capacity to enjoy sex is reduced if they don’t masturbate. Drum it in until it’s normal. It’s normal for guys, after all. Learn what kind of touch you like. And learn that what porn reckons should turn you on is probably very different to what will, actually, turn you on. But I mean, if fantasizing about gang-banging your step-siblings works for you, then go for it. Just maybe think that one through before trying at home. 

Takeaway: Let’s all make a pact to stop faking it, and instead take a team effort to figure out how to make it happen for ya. The real key? Put less pressure on the final product and more emphasis on exploring and enjoying the process. And don’t ignore the fucking clit.  Xx

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