Online dating gets a bad rep. I think almost anybody would agree that itβs preferable to meet your partner in person, the old-fashioned way, like perhaps by having your parents set you up in exchange for the family goat. But beggars canβt be fucking choosers. I mean, in an ideal world my dating life would involve downing Adios Motherfucker shots with bronzed European moguls on their private yachts while touring the Greek Islands, but alas this is Hamilton, so we adjust.
Thereβs no question that the world of dating has changed drastically in the 21st century. Cinderella doesnβt leave behind a glass slipper anymore; she leaves an empty baggy and her Snapchat. For uni students, dating can seem like a foreign concept. But humans, in general, tend to be a bunch of lonely, horny fucks so if you wanna smash, youβve got to put yourself out there. That probably means dipping your toes into online dating (and not acting all snotty and superior because youβre not on it, Nancy – when was the last time you got fucked anyway?).
To be fair, Iβve only ever been on one date from an app. For journalistic purposes, of course. He was, on paper, an absolute knockout. Iβm talking an attractive cardiothoracic surgeon/concert pianist/black belt with an incredible Irish accent and piercing blue eyes. Plus he was nine years older than me which totally screamed DADDY. Or creep? Anyway, I did a thorough background check and his story checked out. The date was going well until the guy starts spinning some seriously dark yarns, about his complicated family and financial problems…a little heavy for a first date. Hope things are going better for you, dude.
I must say that the dates I went on with a lad from the Instagram DMβs were significantly better. Proof that sliding in the DMβs works, guys. Instagram is lowkey the most underutilised dating app there is – you get a full photographic portfolio, and a fairly good indication of how annoying they are (i.e. doesnβt matter how pretty she is, if she posts 10 stories a day of her fucking lunch, study work, and mirror selfies, she ainβt it). Instagram stories are the best potential avenue for flirtation. Put something up – not TOO thirsty now – to offer the folks an excuse to flick you a message. Vice versa, send someone a cheeky story reply, and bam, youβre in. Whatβs there to lose? Worst case is you get a double-tap or an βaw thanksβ and make your respectful retreat.
As for Tinder, in my experience, the most productive uses include 1) ego boosts in vulnerable moments, 2) super-liking and having sifty conversations with every platonic mate you see on there, or c) for swiping on people you kind of know who you find hot as fuck to see if theyβd swipe back on you too, thereby providing a green light for a cheeky flirtation the next time you see them in House. But hey, to each their own, I know people whoβve had the time of their lives meeting random dudes on their farms in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, inviting a different chick over three times a week to scratch an itch, or even the odd person who genuinely uses it for dating purposes. Anythingβs possible.
So try it out. Make a profile. First thing, remember that you donβt need to fucking write in your bio that youβre on there looking for sex, thatβs almost a given. Nor does anybody need to see borderline nude pictures with visible pubic hair. Donβt put up photos of fish, vehicles, or slaughtered boars. Donβt write any of the typical shit you came up with from a Google search. And donβt write your height on there and say βAppaRentlY tHaT MattErs.β It makes you sound bitter and being six foot isnβt a personality trait. And if you only have group pics on there or pictures of inanimate objects, weβre just gonna go ahead and assume youβre ugly, so donβt do that either.
Whether youβre on dating apps for a laugh, slays, or genuinely for meeting people, the important thing to remember is that looks may get you the swipe but good chat trumps all. Gender norms aside, fuck it and message first; if you donβt go for it youβll never know what you missed (or didnβt). But be interesting. βHeyβ or βHow are youβ = extremely sub-par. Likewise, I highly doubt a disgusting opening line ever got anybodyβs dick sucked. Funny pick up lines are great, but donβt send them to all the girls you match with living in the same flat, btw. They have group photos together idiot, be original.
If youβre chatting someone up online, itβs better to meet sooner rather than later. If youβre in too deep with messaging, they might think youβre actually keen when they see you in town, and thatβs an awkward chat in Subway youβd rather avoid. And donβt disclose too much too soon to strangers, either. Stranger danger? Creepers.
Which brings me to my next point: being cautious. For fuckβs sake, tell a fucking friend where youβre going, leave your fucking Snap Maps on, have a fucking plan B exit strategy incase theyβre a weirdo, donβt fucking go for a hike in the middle of nowhere with some potential axe murderer that youβve never met. If youβre going for a date with someone from an app or sugardaddy.com or whatever your vibe is, do something relaxed; a bevvy at the local, a coffee, a Netflix sesh for sexy times. If youβre going for a root, wear a fucking condom unless youβre keen to give the clap a go. Tell somewhere where youβll be, and remember you donβt have to go through with anything if you change your mind.
I understand that people are averse to the idea of online dating. But weβre in the 21st century, and everything else from our banking to our groceries and degrees can be done online, so why should there be any stigma attached to meeting people online? Itβs normal, and if nothing else, itβs a great educational experience. Half of the problems we tend to get stuck on when it comes to matters of the heart are because we get into this scarcity mindset, thinking that thereβs no one else out there weβd be interested in, worrying that no one would be interested in us, and so on. Whether itβs Grindr, Tinder, Bumble, or Ashley Martin (you sly dog), youβre guaranteed to realise there are plenty of other fish out there. Even if a lot of the fish you encounter are kind of fucking weird.
I was admittedly several glasses of Pinot Gris down at the time of writing, but take away this if nothing else: online dating is normal. Itβs fun. Itβs good for your confidence. But be smart, be cautious, and donβt be disheartened if thereβs an alarming lack of decency. Good luck out there.