SEX AND THE TRON
Allow me to paint you the picture of my first love: Nissan Skyline. Unemployed. Backwards cap. A two-monitor gamer kind of lad. The guy who introduced me to sex, drugs and hard liquor when I was 17. The whole thing – from the way my friends and family hated him, to his possessiveness, to the way he eventually cheated – is so clichΓ©d it hurts. So how did an overachiever with no daddy issues end up obsessed and traumatised by an absolute dropkick? Oh, the usual way, i.e. by caving to the subconscious belief that no one else would ever love me. That, and sex.
I know, I know. In hindsight, this one comically screams bad boy. But hereβs the thing; itβs SO much easier to judge a situation from the perspective of an emotionally uninvolved bystander than it is when youβre in the deep end – especially when itβs a βfrog in a boiling potβ type of situation. Like, I knew I wanted a guy who could fit in with my life and get along with the people that mattered to me. When he started off by taking me to parties, introducing me to new friends, chatting amicably with my mum, I thought it was awesome. Again, by the time heβd started beef with most of his and my friends, had to be kicked out of the house by dad, and whined to my mum on his weird suicidal shit whenever him and I were having problems, it was many months down the line and my loyalty was too far in. After all, he was my first proper boyfriend. The guy who was βmy personβ to go do stuff with. The guy who could get me dinner, fuck me five times in a night (tmi?), wake me with french toast and more fucking afterward (still tmi?). That intimacy, that emotion, that sense of having something thatβs well and truly βyoursβ is what gets us to say (and also, as previously mentioned, sex).
It always starts so well. They act perfectly. Weβre physically attracted. We fall fast. Time wears on, true colours start to show, but our sense of attachment means weβll put up with shit we would never have signed up for at a first glance. A person can only be on their best behaviour for approximately the first three months of a relationship. After that, pretences start to slip, but weβre already loved up from the honeymoon phase. So what can we do? How can we possibly avoid unhealthy relationships if we canβt even see them coming until itβs βtoo lateβ? How do we switch off attraction to somebody that we know isnβt good for us?
If we experienced an abusive past, grew up around seeing unhealthy relationships as normal, or we know weβre prone to an attachment style thatβs anxious, clingy or overly reliant on a partner (it takes some self-reflection to be able to avoid getting sucked into toxic relationships, btw), those are some of the more obvious signs we might fall for someone thatβs a bad fit for us. There are more subtle cues, too. When we approach a new relationship from a place of emptiness, low confidence, or weβre rushing straight from one bad relationship into a new one without resolving our underlying personal problems, weβre setting ourselves up to fail. In any of these scenarios, we should try some counselling sessions, by the way. Theyβre free at university, so god, take the opportunity – itβs scary at first, but squeezing out the truth about our trauma/whack headspace into conversation with a clinically qualified stranger is a mental relief we mightnβt have even known we needed.
If youβre currently in a potentially toxic relationship, but youβre scared to pull the pin, listen up. Write a list of all the things this person has done/said/the way they make you feel/their qualities that you donβt like. Be SUPER honest. I know youβd rather repress it, but letβs say if they fucked your best mate while you were on a relationship break, then sweetie, youβre going to have to write it down. Look at that list and ask yourself – are these things you can seriously put up with for the rest of your short, precious life? Come up with another list, this time spelling out the qualities youβd want from an ideal partner. And if youβre not a list person, for some insane reason, just think about it. Do you seriously think the story you want to tell about your future wife involves having to skip parts where she would have weekly screaming tantrums and fling accusations if you hung out with your mates? Do you think this relationship would be a healthy model of what loveβs supposed to look like for your children? Is the hurt youβve experienced really worth it? While Iβm sounding like a self-help book, let me say that when it came to getting out of my toxic relationship, it took me far too long to act on the doubts that were niggling at the back of my mind. Before it even started, when I realised heβd played a friend of mine (then lied about it and made her out to be the crazy one, as these type of people always do to shift blame) I shouldβve saved myself some time and cut it there and then. In the end, it was my friends who helped push me. One night, after a (rare) movie trip where he packed a sad with me for not replying during the two hours I was in the movie theatre), they had a mini intervention to tell me that his behaviour wasnβt normal, that I was putting up with far too much and needed to break it off; that they would literally drive me to and back from meeting him so I could do it with support. Thatβs exactly what happened. And yes, for the next little while there were times where I was so heartbroken it was as if life was over. But then there was also freedom; the ability to rebuild the relationships Iβd nearly destroyed along the way; the removal of the rose-tinted glasses and the realisation that he was no good; and, despite all of my unspoken fears that no one else I could be interested in would ever be interested in me, there were, of course, new love interests that came along in due time.
Fuck, let me say it again: life is too damn short. I know that the pure drama of the relationship keeps your life interesting, but please realise that you can have a super fulfilling life thatβs insanely interesting (plus great sex) in a way that doesnβt have to damage your self-worth. You are better than your hormones, people. There are millions more people where this one came from, you just canβt truly open yourself to that possibility if youβre stuck on this one toxic crush (who ainβt shit). This person is insecure and acting out because they know you deserve better. Love is not supposed to hurt you, thatβs not love – true love is easy, light, good for you. And if youβre considering spending your life with this person, you need to make damn sure theyβre going to be around for you during the hard times (because there will be) and not the cause of your hard times (because if theyβre completely wrong for you, they will be). You may feel like a lost soul right now, but you sure arenβt going to find your happiness in a trash person. Just because you love them doesnβt mean you have to stay. If thereβs more bad and more doubt than there is good, leave. Thereβs so much more that could be said here, so I would encourage you to Google it, talk about it, reflect on it, start a fucking Pinterest quotes board about it. The phrase βtaking time to work on yourselfβ is super vague and unhelpful, but thatβs what you need to do. Whatever you have to do, just donβt continue getting yourself stuck on a bad chapter; you have a choice. Donβt even start the chapter if you can tell itβs going to be a repeat of past mistakes. Turn the damn page.