Thank you for your sexual consideration…
I have this weird thing where I need the lights off and to be under the covers if I’m having sex. I’m okay with the bedside lamp being on, but the big light stays off. And we need to stay under the covers. This is because of my crippling self-consciousness.
Someone seeing me completely naked and exposed scares the living sh*t out of me. Naked and afraid if you will. At the ripe age of 20 – something, I’m scared of being naked in front of another person I intend to have sex with. I can flash my tits, I can get changed in front of my friends, no problem. But being naked in front of someone I intend to have sex with is terrifying, because it feels like I’m offering myself on a silver platter. What if they take one look and don’t like what’s on the menu? That has never happened before, but it doesn’t settle the constant fear inside me that it will.
When I first started having sex, it felt very preformative. It wasn’t terrible sex, but at the same time, it wasn’t anything special happening. I felt the need to make encouraging sounds to not hurt the other person’s feelings. I wasn’t thinking about how good it feels for me; all I thought about was ‘do I look good in this angle?’.
I think young girls get that from being exposed to unrealistic sex standards set by the adult film industry. BFFR. No one watching porn is thinking about how what they are watching is a production. Behind the scenes, there’s so much preparation in order to get the perfect (cum) shot. Hair and makeup. Sound and lighting film crews. Directors. Paid actors who have been in the industry and have done this one hundred times. This is all to make a video that you wish you could be a part of. I just learnt from Chloe Cherry that squirting is peeing, and actors will chug a gallon of water before filming squirting scenes. Professional porn is fake.
Casual sex for me, is a pipeline to marriage. That might be crazy fr, but I can’t have sex without some kind of emotional connection, and if I do, I’ll probably end up developing some kind of attachment to you. I wish I was sexually liberated, but part of me feels like I was built with inherent shame and anxious attachment issues. When I was about 12, I put a mirror down there to see what it looked like. I ended up crying for hours because I scared myself. I didn’t know that strange alien looking thing would become such an important tool as I grew older and more conventionally attractive. I didn’t know pussy made the world go around.
It’s hard because I can’t have sex without part of me feeling I’m putting on a performance. I need to bend myself like this, and flick my hair like that, and look at them like this. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to fake it, but I don’t want to hurt this other person’s feelings by telling them what they’re doing is just… not it. When it’s sexy time, I need the light off to feel sexy. Maybe I’m just a self-conscious freak. Or maybe you know exactly how I’m feeling and it’s comforting knowing you’re not in a boat rowing down the stream of ‘why do I have weird connotations attached to sex?’ by yourself.
One day, the right person will come along and sex will become something different. It won’t be a performance anymore, it’ll be your favourite pastime with your favourite person. Call me old school, but I think sex feels different when you’re in love (that was so cringe, someone please put me down). Sometimes in the world of hinge, bumble, tinder, and all the other bullshit, it’s just easier to get a Satisfyer Pro 2 and run away from everybody until you get taken out the streets.