Like the Montagues and Capulets, the Jets and the Sharks, or College Hall and Student Village, there has long been a war of attrition between smokers and those who vape. To the uninitiated, they can often be confused as one social grouping but to those who know, there are very different traits, rules, and social norms that separate smokers and vapists (we are pretty sure that is the noun and if not, it should be). Luckily for you we have prepared this handy situational guide table to ensure maximum social awareness.
| SITUATION | SMOKER | VAPIST |
| Most of the party is inside. Can I just smoke / vape in here? | No, absolutely not. Under no circumstances. | No, never just assume it is okay to vape inside. You might make some kids’ clothes smell of butterscotch. |
| The person running the party has told me it is okay to smoke / vape here. I didn’t ask, they offered. | We don’t care. Never smoke inside. This is a hill we will absolutely die on. | Fair enough then, we wouldn’t want your asthma playing up outside anyway. |
| I asked for a lighter / charger and the person gave it to me. What do I do? | Offer them a smoke. It is the least you could do. They can always say no. | Take the charger cable and go. Obviously, they were just giving it to you so you would shut up about how you vape now. Honestly vaping is the new veganism. |
| Someone I don’t know wants a drag / puff. | You have a decision to make. Personally, we always go with the “take a whole smoke” approach because smokers don’t care enough about their own health to make sure they don’t have other diseases. | Not with COVID. There is a chance you are already immuno-compromised after years of Dungeons and Dragons and malnutrition. Do you really want to take the risk? |
| A non-smoker comes outside and after a few minutes standing near me begins to cough in a fake and slightly annoying way. | Ignore them, keep smoking, don’t actually engage in their childish games. | Marry them. The only thing separating you from this self-righteous moralist is a vape. |
| A vapist comes over and begins to talk to me about flavour profiles. | Listen to what they have to say but acknowledge that you won’t try it because no one you respect ever vaped. | Immediately give up vaping and never do it again. If there are two of you at a party, you can’t be unique. And if you can’t tell everyone you are an individual and a free spirit then what is the point. |
