365 Days
-5
Let’s get one thing out of the way. Michele Morrone (Massimo in the film) is objectively very fucking hot. What’s not hot? The entire plot of 365 Days. It’s a 120 minute-long shitfest with some spicy scenes in the mix.
TikTok blew this film up, with some pubescent teens getting hot and heavy over some average sex scenes with heavy emphasis on the Stockholme Syndrome. Have we not heard of PornHub in an incognito tab? I get it though, there’s an appeal in seeing sex in mainstream media (with Sex/Life & Fifty Shades being notable comparisons) and seeing actors engage in the nasty. But this shit is mild at best.
The plot is weak with some chick falling in love with her kidnapper who, by the grace of god, withdraws from sex until her permission is granted. I guess non-consensual sex is too far but aggrivated abduction is not? Where is the line drawn? And the sex scenes are conjured up by some horny fanfiction writer who just wants to create some fantastical version of what they think sex is. That said, don’t watch this shit with your parents.
Anna-Maria Sieklucka (Laura) was definitely getting that bag with some of her method acting. The moans were vibrant and full bodied with nodes of “come fucking save me, I’m having sex with my captor”. But she definitely was stealing the stage with her performance. Not that she would win any awards but it was aight.
All-in-all it’s a film that you can sort of suffer through, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it in a romantic setting. It’s kind of like watching a film version of a smutty wattpad book. I’m looking at you After. 👀
Jurassic Park: After Dark76
+1
Good erotica is fun, and a great way to tickle your imagination (and other parts). But bad erotica is even better. Erotica is so terrible, it circles all the way around (as you do) and becomes magnificent. And the rise of self-publishing has led to some truly magnificent erotica.
My personal favourites are part of the subgenre “monster porn”, specifically dinosaurs. Defying the rules of physics and history, the wacky world of dino porn includes such titles as “Taken by the T-Rex”, “In the Velociraptor’s Nest” and “My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass” (yes, really).
The best way to showcase the literary brilliance of these books, though, is to let them speak for themselves. So here’s an excerpt from “Taken by the Pterodactyl” for your edification:
“Don’t be so stupid,” she scolded herself. “What, are you going to live up a tree your whole life, getting fucked by a dinosaur?”
“She let out a heavy sigh; the idea was appealing, it just wasn’t practical.”
Sexy Beasts
TV Show
-2
Dating is hard. Dating is even harder when you’re just too sexy for your own good! Nobody sees you, they just see your perfect veneers and fresh Botox. Enter Sexy Beasts, a Netflix dating show akin to First Dates. The ever-important point of difference? Everyone is in grotesque special effects makeup that completely obscures what they look like.
This show is furry paradise and in the first episode one of the couples goes on a date, wait for it… for foot massages. Cue 5 minutes of soft-focus toe closeups for your pleasure. You’re welcome.
$16.99 Vibe (2015)
Peaches & Cream
Product
+2
When I purchased this I thought I was being a revolutionary hashtag feminist, years later the Satisfyer craze took hold and while I hear nothing but rave reviews, I have yet to upgrade. I don’t want to say that this vibrator ‘goes hard’ anymore, because the reality is that even when it has fresh batteries, it’s inconsistent at best. Which can be exciting. But look, it’s a means to an end, and that ending is very happy.
While time hasn’t been kind to this little engine that could, at $16.99 6 years ago (taking inflation into account), the cost per use has made my purchase well worth it.
Retro Review Bound (1996)
+2
The debut effort of the pre-Matrix Wachowski’s. Bound is a tensely erotic neo-noir that won critical praise for the way it handled the depiction of a lesbian affair. In part because they broke from convention and hired feminist icon and sex educator Susie Bright to coreograph the scenes. The film features an excellent cast including a career defining performance by Gina Gershon and perhaps the last decent gig Jennifer Tilly had before going from seductive to camp self parody.
There are plenty of clues to what the Wachowski’s would go on to create. Grounded plots, stylised visuals, and the presence of Joe Pantolliano would all become signatures of theirs moving forward. The plot and pacing sometimes let it down but it is still fun and sexy.
Single sentence reviews
Men.com
Gay Porn Site
0
Variety? No. Bunch of white men throwing sausages down a hallway though, content.
XNXX.com
Porn site
+1
I asked my boyfriend what he ‘uses’ (awesome) and he said it’s cheap and nasty haha
Literotica.com
-3
Who reads porn? Nerds!
Brazzers.com
Whatever your kink you will find it here..in 4k. Actually you will probably find it googling Brazzers in “incognito mode” and then going to whichever site shows the free 7 minutes you’ll pay attention to.
PornHub.com +2
To quote Obi-Wan PornHub “wretched hive of scum and villainy. That said, if you quote star wars then you probably have a premium membership
