WRITTEN THURSDAY 21st MAY 2020
Regardless of tomorrows caucus vote it seems likely that the National Party may be in the market for a new leader soon. Or as they said when Andrew Little quit being the leader of the Labour Party, “You would never see National change a leader in an election year,” and “it just shows you how dysfunctional the party is.”
It seems that our old friends at the National Party (emphasis on old) have thought more about replacing Bridges than they have about WHO will replace Bridges. So we thought we would help them out a bit. We looked at all the obvious choices and put together a list that includes a cricketer, a former Breakfast host, and even a Hamilton East politician. Here are our seven best suggestions in no particular order for the next leader of the National Party.
The Obvious Choice
It goes without saying that the best choice for the job is Todd Muller. Not only does he have… We’re kidding. We don’t know who the fuck he is either, and his name is literally on the wall in our reception area.
The NEW Monarchy
Let’s be honest, at 29% in the polls it can be argued that democracy isn’t working out too well for the old blue lady. What is the solution here? Appoint a hereditary heir. Since Prince Harry and Megan got out of the game, the only solution we have is Max Key. I mean he has already nailed being a DJ AND an Instagram influencer. Compared to that this Prime Minister gig will be pretty easy.
The Gentleman Athlete
Like many of you, we were a little shocked when Michelle Boag came out from behind her cauldron and suggested Mark Richardson as the next leader. It isn’t a bad shout, and he seemingly fits the criteria as both a white man and someone who hates women and the poor. However, it also lacks a little ambition. If you are going to pick a former cricketer at least choose one that would make it into the all-time first XI. That is why the obvious choice, really the only choice, is Sir Richard “Paddles” Hadlee. I mean 431 wickets in 86 games and all the moustache credit in the world
The Media Commentator
Hosking, Garner, both are small time. They scream of being far too obvious. If you want to beat Jacinda, you have to out Jacinda…Jacinda. That is why we are pushing for Hillary Barry. Granted the last few years haven’t been too kind for women in politics named Hillary, but this is Hillary Fucking Barry, the latest in a long line of “mother of the nation” canonized saints. She looks permanently two wines in, has a contagious enthusiasm for her country and hardly ever laughs while reading tragic news anymore. Is she a National support? Who knows. That’s hardly a deal-breaker when it only leaves you 29% of the country to choose from.
The Erstwhile Nexus Contributor
Now we could have chosen a couple of different people here. Umbers, Grace, but we have decided to go with the most conservative contributor we have, our very own hard-line politician Jamie Strange. Now before you write your snarky Facebook comments saying we screwed that up and Jamie is the Labour Candidate let us respond by saying we know this. We also know that Jamie Strange has publicly committed himself to be anti-euthanasia, against a woman’s right to choose, and against legislation stopping priests from discriminating against LGBT couples. Of course, he was in a Christian rock band so he may be too extreme for team blue.
It’s Business Time
Now if National choose to go in the complete opposite direction of Jamie Strange and his moral absolutes, then they could go to the dark side with someone like our long time friend John Lawrenson. Say what you will of JLO and most people have, but he knows two things: How to wind people up with a marketing campaign, and how to make money. A politically divisive figure? Sure. But that is how you get people to vote. Also, added bonus he actually believes all the neo-liberal shit the others give lip service to. You could also guarantee a filthy election night party with cheap vodka cruisers and ZM’s top 40 music.
Simon + The Bible
If you are truly looking to replace Simon Bridges then you want someone who embodies all his best and worst qualities but genuinely wants to take this personally. Almost Biblically. Brian Tamaki should just appoint himself head of the National Party. Now some of you may be saying “He can’t make himself the leader of the party” but that is the same 21st-century liberal communist thinking that said he couldn’t make himself a bishop and he fucking did that. Think about it, obviously not for too long because the Bish doesn’t much like the thinkers. He hates Jacinda, he thought Corona was a scam that they could pray into immunity, he already doesn’t follow the country’s laws, and the Nats would fucking love him because he hasn’t paid taxes in decades. In many ways, he is the culmination of Simon, Jamie Strange and John Lawrenson with just a dash of Max Key.
OTHERS WE CONSIDERED BUT DISMISSED
David Seymour – Already the leader of a party and would hate to have to manage one with actual members.
Suzy Cato – Too busy being a National Fucking Treasure
Neil Quigley – Has some time on his hands since he appointed his dog Deputy VC
The women from the Big Save Furniture Ads – Always looked like she was pilled out AND we only chose her because the Briscoes Lady said no when we asked.
Todd Muller – Made the list twice still have no idea who he is.