If you weren’t around last year, then you would’ve missed the cultural icon that was ‘I bloody love Halloween’, my column of 2 iterations that featured me talking about horror movie shit. In an effort to rekindle my “edgier” side, I wanted to try and map out my perfect horror movie with some of the more recognisable foes in parliament or on our TV sets (I’m not that old tho).
Location: Some shitty flat on Cameron – There’s something cracking me the fuck up at the thought of being chased through the halls of the shitty brick cunts on Cameron Road. Running for your life, screaming for help and then tripping on some fuck ugly pallet bed or crate coffee table. Not to mention the black mould killing me before the Killer has a chance. I think it’s important to note that there has to be as many obstacles to give a comedic fall as I’m being chased. Things like a rogue vacuum, some uber eats bags and just some kid from kick ons. Who the fuck is that?
Stoner Kid: Chlöe Swarbrick – Swarbrick would be sitting smoking fat cones and letting me know some insightful commentary on the happenings around us. While I’d be trying to help us all survive, she’d be like “this is all meant to happen, we deserve this”. Okay true, but also fuck up.
Romantic Interest: Taika Waititi – I mean…
Comedic Relief: Kura Forrester – Of all the current comedians I’ve frothing, I gotta say that Kura Forrester is at the top of my list for wāhine I want in my real-life horror story. If you’re not familiar with her, watch taskmaster mate. Do yourself a favour.
Killer: Christopher Luxon – You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be running scared with this his egg-head coming towards you with a knife and laughing maniacally. Plus, there’s no telling what he’d use to kill you. Shitty policies on student tax, a blatant disregard for women, or the knowledge of basic geography. All convoluted but not exactly cutting edge.
Final Girl: Sam Cane – Following suit with some of our more sports centric content this week, I honestly believe this beauty of a man deserves a win and he’s trying his best. Rest easy king.
Result: I would be the first out, there’s no denying it. While I wish I could pretend my successes would allow me to get to the end, I’m okay with it being me out first if it means the survival of Sam Cane. Let’s just give him this one guys, mans needs it right now.
Sorry this isn’t some deep editorial with highs and lows, sparking some intelligent conversations about the current state of politics or the economic decline. You need a breather and reading about how I’d structure a horror movie is kind of exactly what we all need right now. Got any better ideas? Lemme know aye, always keen to chat shit and discuss why you’re wrong and mine reigns supreme. Later homies x
