I know that after years of me identifying as gay, this may come as a shock and it’ll be difficult for the family to recover from the news, but it’s something I need to say and get out there. Please understand that this wasn’t an easy thing to come to grips with, though I need to live my truth and be my authentic self. I like girls… but maybe also guys?
So I’m straight… maybe?
Here’s the thing with sexuality and the spectrum it sits on, there’s no right or wrong answer to who you are, very much like an episode of Degrassi (is that still relevant?). When it comes to my own identity and who I am, I can’t quite pinpoint where it is that I sit on the queer spectrum. For the past 10 years (fucking christ) I’ve identified as gay, that qualifier being the easiest explaination for some of my more feminine traits. But the issue is, sensitivity sometimes is confused with femininity. The idea that for someone to feel emotions and be in touch with their feelings, they’re inherently feminine. Say feminine one more time.
My sexual identity has been the subject of so many debates and arguments, with outside voices feeling as though they want to have a say on who I am and who I may potentially love. “But you’re kind of camp though, I love having a gay friend”. This has never been something that’s bothered me; it’s just never sat right with me with all my failings as a gay man in the LGBTQIA+ community. I play up the fem, allowing myself to be that friend for girls and not let them feel uncomfortable. I play up the fem, letting people laugh as I say dumb quotes from Rupaul’s Drag Race. I don’t even like Drag Race that much, it’s bitchy and competitive for no reason. Saying things like ‘slay’ and ‘work’ just come with the territory. It’s natural to want to mask, to fit in, and you find yourself using your ability to switch as a weapon (or a shield). I’ve, over time, raised the pitch of my voice to combat my 6’2” stature and rugby build, of which I do play I’d like to add. I don’t want to intimidate, so maybe being gay seems like the easiest way of making me approachable. But I don’t only like guys.
I’ve always thought that I had to like guys as a requirement thanks to my more heightened personality traits, but in all honesty, I find it hard to connect with men in a sexual and/or romantic setting. Well definitely not to the same degree as a woman as it just comes natural. But I’ve dated men, and I’ve been involved with men. Was it a passing fad, or just me wanting to be curi?
So now I’m… not sure. The answer to my life problems surrounding sexuality haven’t been answered, but I’m not bothered at all. Whatever happens, happens. Leshgo.
