Issue 20 – Horoscopes

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
Entrepreneurial ventures may struggle to spark but don’t be disheartened, your ideas may be lacklustre but it’s important to persevere, if for nothing more than the entertainment of your peers.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
Struggling to accept that you’re not the main character? Fear not, once you’ve finished your background role consciousness will simply cease and it’ll be like you never existed in the first place.
ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
An opportunity may arise for promiscuity but such behaviour comes at great cost; what’s harder to explain, busting too quick? Or tongue punching a desperate fresher?
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
An enchanted gaze, a primal urge; being breastfed for too long isn’t your fault, but it’s still not enough to justify studying drama.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20
Carbs are the closest you’ll come to true love, it’s time to double down and embrace becoming rotund, if beauty is in the eye of the beholder you’re already shit out of luck.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22
Your parents may resent you but all is not lost, there are plenty of student teachers desperate to groom and gaslight their way to some meaning of purpose.
LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22
Flurries of panic, isolation induced nausea, anxiety about the future; you’ll never forget how it felt to enter lockdown, mainly because it’s exactly how it feels to be a graduate.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Stubborn scents brews upon the waning season; as introverts attempt to brave the outdoors it’s imperative to protect your airways, don a mask, if not for others, for yourself.
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
Jaded skin shudders at the concept of commitment, protect the sanctity of your fragile mind, continuing to be hung up on your ex should keep potential lovers at bay.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
You really could’ve been something huh? It’s a shame you developed a desperate obsession with the American college movie fantasy; how does it feel to have peaked at 19?
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
You need to break up with them. I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary. Just rawdog their best mate and blame it on them for never being good enough, that’ll speed things up nicely.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
The monotonous drone rings clear, a shrill call provides respite before fading to the dragging lull - listen to the voices. Leave the body by the lake, we’ll do the rest.
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