There comes a point when you’re my age, and all your mates are on their 2nd or 3rd kid, but if you’re like me, then you’re left wondering whether you’re keeping up or being left in the dust. Spoiler alert, there’s no right answer. If you’ve spent longer than five minutes with me recently, chances are you’ve heard me rattling on about wanting to be a dad and my innate need to be a father to a wee child. While this may sound like a joke, or creepy to some who can’t pull their head from the dirt, it’s perfectly reasonable to be clucky as a dude. I’m half-way to 50 and it seems like my days are running out. Well so to speak.
This begs the question of “do I want a kid or am I just lonely?”. It’s a difficult road to walk, understanding the complexities of being a father and also just knowing when you’re mentally ready to bring life into the world. A child isn’t like a sims character, but you didn’t come here to read about why you should be more cautious when going into a raw-dog situation in the hopes of gaining life. Or you know, not referring to procreation as a ‘raw-dog situation’, sorry Mum. You know, I’m happy being an uncle. I’ve got wee irāmutu across the motu–and I’m so in love with all of them. But why do I sit there thinking that perhaps there’s not enough out there for me? Maybe I’m missing something.
So e hoa, that brings me to today’s editorial and its purpose. Here’s some things you can do to combat your insatiable desire to be a parent, that is if now isn’t the right time and you ultimately don’t even have a partner–and you know that you’re not mentally prepared to give all the love in your body over to someone who will love you back unconditionally until they’re old enough to resent you but that’s all a part of life and maybe you are ready for that. Fuck. I don’t know but here’s some things that will distract you until you do have a pēpē of your own.
Invest in chickens
Chickens seem like a weird choice, trust me when I say that I know. But my reasoning is that they’ll provide in return for how you treat them. Not only do they make great companions and providers (free eggs in this economy), they’re also amazing listeners. We have chickens at my flat and there’s nary a moment where they aren’t willing to listen to what I’m saying in my fits of rage and sadness. Get a chicken, or 10.
Start a instagram dedicated to rating sunsets
I think this one is self-explanatory, is it not?
Watch every season of Vampire Diaries in sequential order, and then reverse
If you think you know the plot of Vampire Diaries, no you don’t. It’s a gripping tale of a woman/man coming back to life and slowly getting younger as the show progresses. It’s kind of like if the fountain of youth was actually discovered and we follow the vampires eventually being cured of vampirism and then just living normal lives. Can you tell I’ve not seen it?
Cry
Chin up, and bless up. It gets better.
So as you can see, the current economy might not be right to have a child, but you have some hearty options to combat that need you keep burying deep inside your soul. It’s okay e kare, just know your time is coming. But if you’re one of those people that don’t actually want kids, fucking aye let’s get lit and throw caution to the wind. I like your magic words and I want to see what we can come up with in the meantime.
Ka kite for now, Uncle Jak.
