Horoscopes – Issue 3

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Distant rains dull interpersonal connections, despite high hopes this year won’t be memorable and neither will you. Call it a day, head home, hibernate – 2021 isn’t looking good but at this point, it’s your best bet

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Solar alignments grant sight through sepia, relish in the fondest of moments. Enjoy the respite because your inability to function in social situations probably means you’ll never make another worthwhile memory

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Living by your decisions has never been a strong suit. You throw yourself into crippling debt to obtain a degree, yet leak precum at the mere thought of the word ‘tradie’. Your father may not love you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to love yourself.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

With a pandemic looming its natural to feel on edge. Hygiene is key, although don’t forget it’s a rarity for anyone to willingly spend time with you, let alone cough on you. Don’t stress, you’ll be safe.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Rosy cheeks flush with life, an insatiable thirst for adventure fuelled by raging hormones, unweathered virgin skin ripe to the touch. Feel a bit like a sex offender right now? You should. Are you still going to try fondle a fresher? You shouldn’t.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

Struggling to make the most of your sexual peak? Take a breather. Soon you’ll find someone just as desperate and spiral into a long term relationship based purely off the fear of isolation. You may have to wait 20 years but your divorce will open up a world of sexual opportunity.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Ignore your gut. Real instinct is the voice in your head that tells you to trip a cripple, to kick an infant, and to piss in the sink. We’re not saying you should listen to that either, but if your gut is telling you to get back with your ex just remember there are more effective ways to ruin your life.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Love is a concept you expect to be inevitable, sadly the only inevitability is that anyone who says they love you is just waiting to completely crush you. Join a church. If there are three things misery loves it’s a company, tax exemptions, and the misguided notion that life isn’t a futile husk of pain and sadness.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Budding romance leaves you flustered, absent to everything but the future you’ve crafted, a timeless daydream soon to be a reality. Let’s just hope they swipe right.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

With bankruptcy on the cards, difficult decisions are rife and plentiful. 3 seconds of eye contact with a student nurse is guaranteed to secure at least a fair few years of child support payments. Do what needs to be done.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

Despite how tough it gets, it could always be worse. You could be in the red zones of Wuhan, the slums of Northern Italy, anywhere near Tokoroa, or stuck in a conversation with someone whose greatest ambition is to become an accountant.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Damage is the artist’s crutch. Worthwhile expression demands a worthwhile struggle. Having an opinion is valid, though this is no excuse to think anyone wants to hear you singing on social media.