AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18
Distant rains dull interpersonal connections, despite high hopes this year wonβt be memorable and neither will you. Call it a day, head home, hibernate β 2021 isnβt looking good but at this point, itβs your best bet
PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20
Solar alignments grant sight through sepia, relish in the fondest of moments. Enjoy the respite because your inability to function in social situations probably means youβll never make another worthwhile memory
ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19
Living by your decisions has never been a strong suit. You throw yourself into crippling debt to obtain a degree, yet leak precum at the mere thought of the word βtradieβ. Your father may not love you, but that doesnβt mean you canβt learn to love yourself.
TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20
With a pandemic looming its natural to feel on edge. Hygiene is key, although donβt forget itβs a rarity for anyone to willingly spend time with you, let alone cough on you. Donβt stress, youβll be safe.
GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20
Rosy cheeks flush with life, an insatiable thirst for adventure fuelled by raging hormones, unweathered virgin skin ripe to the touch. Feel a bit like a sex offender right now? You should. Are you still going to try fondle a fresher? You shouldnβt.
CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22
Struggling to make the most of your sexual peak? Take a breather. Soon youβll find someone just as desperate and spiral into a long term relationship based purely off the fear of isolation. You may have to wait 20 years but your divorce will open up a world of sexual opportunity.
LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22
Ignore your gut. Real instinct is the voice in your head that tells you to trip a cripple, to kick an infant, and to piss in the sink. Weβre not saying you should listen to that either, but if your gut is telling you to get back with your ex just remember there are more effective ways to ruin your life.
VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22
Love is a concept you expect to be inevitable, sadly the only inevitability is that anyone who says they love you is just waiting to completely crush you. Join a church. If there are three things misery loves itβs a company, tax exemptions, and the misguided notion that life isnβt a futile husk of pain and sadness.
LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22
Budding romance leaves you flustered, absent to everything but the future youβve crafted, a timeless daydream soon to be a reality. Letβs just hope they swipe right.
SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21
With bankruptcy on the cards, difficult decisions are rife and plentiful. 3 seconds of eye contact with a student nurse is guaranteed to secure at least a fair few years of child support payments. Do what needs to be done.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21
Despite how tough it gets, it could always be worse. You could be in the red zones of Wuhan, the slums of Northern Italy, anywhere near Tokoroa, or stuck in a conversation with someone whose greatest ambition is to become an accountant.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19
Damage is the artistβs crutch. Worthwhile expression demands a worthwhile struggle. Having an opinion is valid, though this is no excuse to think anyone wants to hear you singing on social media.