Horoscopes – Issue 1


AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

You exist outside of the perception you hold of yourself. While it’s important to remember that you play a role in the lives of others, don’t get ahead of yourself by thinking you play a role of any value.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Oops! Don’t mind me. I just climbed the Huks again! Hehe. I just love getting out there. Don’t wanna just become a full-blown alco aye! Bottomless this weekend?

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Your ability to read social situations is uncanny, not only are you capable of being the least interesting person in any conversation, your knack for being forgettable is nothing shy of tragic.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

It’s early days but you’re doing well. There’s plenty of time for the mistakes, and plenty of time to learn from your shocking choices. Just promise yourself to never become a UoW Student Ambassador and everything might actually end up okay.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Damn bro hold up. You racked up the other night? Fuck bro that’s so skux, honest! Nah, tell me again how much you dropped though? Woah, shit dog that’s wild! Haha!

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

Chances are to them you’re nothing but a phase. They started talking to you with the sole intention of one day rattling you off as just another stereotype they were once so quirky for being into.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Your lack of Tinder success isn’t down to bad luck or shit chat, you’re just a bit unfortunate looking. With time you’ll come to accept this, maybe one day someone slightly more unfortunate will shed some pity. Hold out hope.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Ew you believe in love? Grow up, sweetie. Do you really think someone will ever truly care about you?  

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Sorry, what was that? Oh haha yeah sorry I had my AirPods in. The new Tame Impala is so chill aye? Wait you haven’t listened to it? My taste is pretty lowkey aye haha, nah but let me make you a playlist!

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

Before you enter your relationship take a deep breath and assess the situation. Could this lead to something serious? Or are you the result of a desperate, receding hairline induced, quest for companionship.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

Omg yes! That zodiac post is so you! Definitely put it on your story babes.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Mental health is optional. Get ahead of the curve and hone your self-destructive traits – synthetic food, copious porn, and the inability to process emotions would be a good place to start.

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