AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

Jupiter rising brings about confronting emotional honesty, and in that spirit it is time you were honest with yourself. Next time the alarm rings to wake you for a 9am class say out loud “I wish I was back in lockdown”

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

Mars is in retrograde and it is causing you an emotional Tsunami, either that or someone made a joke about Destiny Church near you because that also causes Tsunamis apparently.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

Love is in the air this week, but first you have to love yourself. Not on an emotional level. This is a horoscope masturbation reference because you have no romantic prospects.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

A famous greek writer once wrote that life is the search for unattainable perfection. Which sounds poignant till you realise the Greeks also believed lightning was an unhappy Zeus, and smashing plates was a sign of respect, so maybe make your own decisions on what life is.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Uranus and Pluto are competing for attention this week. Much like you shamelessly hoping the hottie in your lecturer will notice you. They won’t. So…umm be less forgettable?

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

Much like the stars themselves people are constantly moving in and out of alignment. The person who seemed like a dream flatmate at last week’s bond signing is the same person leaving their toenails in a common space now. Who knows what next week will bring…

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Some people are just too driven for parties, drinking, drugs, and sex. There is nothing wrong with being boring! On a related note we still have some vacancies at Orchard Park. email Brett@…

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Don’t be embarrassed by your own desires. We all have them. The young people reading this want fun, and sex. To try new things and to reinvent. The mature students reading this want to know if this is Moodle and where they can buy a Pan-Optie

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

Every time you see that special someone from the party your heart starts to race, your pulse quickens, you break out in a cold sweat, and you lose your sense of smell… um, that may not actually be lust. Dr Ashley says get a test and remember to check in.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

People are always telling you to be impulsive, to take risks, to try new things. They don’t understand you like we do. They will never appreciate the value of a perfectly organised Bongo Sushi Box.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

Sometimes love means saying your sorry, so let us start. We’re sorry, that no one loves you.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the most human thing you will ever do. Actually scratch that, having a wank in the showers of College Hall is the most human thing you will ever do, but that makes you really vulnerable, so… DOUBLE POINTS!