Horoscopes – Issue 22

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

David, if you take a bite directly from the communal block of cheese one more time, you’re kicked out of the flat. Understood?

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 The clock is ticking for you this week, tick tock. Is that TiK ToK by Ke$ha, TiK ToK by Avril Lavigne, or TiK ToK by Pitbull? Or just TikTok? You decide

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 Mercury and Uranus have aligned this week, signalling a time for experimentation and new adventure. Just don’t take that as a sign to put a thermometer up your rectum, because that won’t end well.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20 Owe your flatmates a good cooked breakfast? A lunch? A dinner? Hashbrown layer, baked bean layer, scrambled egg layer, bacon layer, cheese layer. 20 minutes in the oven at 180 degrees. Hell, probably even works for dessert.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 If your relationship has been on the rocks lately, you’re already half-way to being James Bond, so take it as a sign to put on your fanciest suit and win big at the casino.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22 Leos are known for being courageous and outrageous, but not for their climbing… or their rhyming.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22  Scull back a bottle or two of Waikato tonight, and cheers to our progressive region – Waikato Draught the first brewery in New Zealand to be owned entirely by a woman!

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 The stars are bright, and the probability that you will have a birthday in the next few weeks is incredibly high. How did I know that? #astrology.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 Just like Nexus is telling 2020 to get fucked with this edition, take this as a sign for you to also tell your ex to get fucked – and not by you!

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 The stars have aligned this month to bring you Season 2 of The Boys on Amazon prime, so settle in and prepare to watch your dreams come true as a speedboat drives straight through a whale.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 You work well under pressure. You’ve left all your assignments to last minute, and you’re lucky if you’ve started studying for exams by the day before. I wish I could tell you this is a bad habit, and won’t pay off in life, but honestly I can’t.