AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18
David, if you take a bite directly from the communal block of cheese one more time, youโre kicked out of the flat. Understood?
PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 The clock is ticking for you this week, tick tock. Is that TiK ToK by Ke$ha, TiK ToK by Avril Lavigne, or TiK ToK by Pitbull? Or just TikTok? You decide
ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 Mercury and Uranus have aligned this week, signalling a time for experimentation and new adventure. Just donโt take that as a sign to put a thermometer up your rectum, because that wonโt end well.
TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.
GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20 Owe your flatmates a good cooked breakfast? A lunch? A dinner? Hashbrown layer, baked bean layer, scrambled egg layer, bacon layer, cheese layer. 20 minutes in the oven at 180 degrees. Hell, probably even works for dessert.
CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 If your relationship has been on the rocks lately, youโre already half-way to being James Bond, so take it as a sign to put on your fanciest suit and win big at the casino.
LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22 Leos are known for being courageous and outrageous, but not for their climbingโฆ or their rhyming.
VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22ย Scull back a bottle or two of Waikato tonight, and cheers to our progressive region – Waikato Draught the first brewery in New Zealand to be owned entirely by a woman!
LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 The stars are bright, and the probability that you will have a birthday in the next few weeks is incredibly high. How did I know that? #astrology.
SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 Just like Nexus is telling 2020 to get fucked with this edition, take this as a sign for you to also tell your ex to get fucked – and not by you!
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 The stars have aligned this month to bring you Season 2 of The Boys on Amazon prime, so settle in and prepare to watch your dreams come true as a speedboat drives straight through a whale.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 You work well under pressure. Youโve left all your assignments to last minute, and youโre lucky if youโve started studying for exams by the day before. I wish I could tell you this is a bad habit, and wonโt pay off in life, but honestly I canโt.
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