Dear, you bloody annoying young people who oppose fast fashion,
Get a grip.
I want you to imagine you’re me for once. You’re downing whisky and smoking cigars on your patio perched on top of a hill, looking over your acres of green land. You’re advised a new trend has come to life – baggy jeans. Weird, you think to yourself, I could’ve sworn I wore those when I was a teen. It pains you to pull away from your piping hot cigar as you have to think about what to do. Work towards a protected planet, fair treatment of workers, and no animal testing, or make heaps of fucking money? That’s what I thought, money.
If the Soviet Union is a prime example of Communism, then Fast Fashion is for capitalism. Fast fashion is a way of getting those cool new fashion trends straight from the catwalk and out onto the racks for a budget price. It saves money for the consumer, saves money for the big corporations, and everyone’s a winner. Thankfully, all that matters is those dollar bills I practically wipe my ass with at this point; otherwise, we’d unnecessarily lose money making our clothes ethically. Ew. Ahhhhhhhhh, hear that? No, no, the cries of exploited workers, the sound of sales. You’re starting to catch on, aren’t you?
What I want you to realise is I’m not the bad guy. Fast fashion is a no-brainer. Look, the planet is basically screwed, and you want your weird neon hoodie; there’s not much more that can be done. Simple supply and demand people. That means, if anything, you’re the bad guy. Maybe I should be protesting you? Annoying prick. Those bloody Greenies harping on about the top 0.7% clearly don’t understand the intense yearning for a new Glassons skirt. Besides, why do we even want to take a stand against the top 0.7% when you run back to our stores when we release a new drop of those funny cat socks you like? Hypocrisy. You can’t help but hate the system you love. You’re only being given what you want.
Now, you may be asking that apart from a sick new hoodie that has a meaningful quote printed on it, what else is great? Jobs. A wide array of workers are hired to support your love for cheap stuff! Without us, where else would annoying young adults go to persistently ask how you’re getting on? We care. We really do. Just don’t ask about the employees that make the clothes. They’re overseas, so it’s not our problem. Out of sight, out of mind, am I right? It’s not a problem if they want to work for me? Who am I to turn them down for employment? I bet you’d love me too, wouldn’t you? You commie bastard.
I’m not an accountant, but our economy always needs more money, and we must give it what it wants. We don’t make the rules; it does. So, submit to it all you can; we cannot change it. After all the nerds dressed in their lab coats have practically condemned the planet to inevitable environmental collapse, we may as well fuel our finances and die rich. What I’m saying is I don’t shed a tear thinking about fast fashion’s yearly contribution to this country’s 180,000 tonnes of waste if it means that I can pull a Scrooge McDuck and dive into a pile of my money. You can too. Just realign your priorities and stop trying to boycott us. I promise you can definitely be mega-rich like me, and this is not a narrative my rich mates and I portray so you don’t hate us as much. Keep grinding bro or whatever the kids say.
Anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is that fast fashion is great. It makes me money and keeps you looking like you might have money for a fraction of the price of decent clothes. Stop whining about its impacts on our globe and start smiling about its impact on my wallet.
