AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

The gas giant Jupiter departs, and it was a close call. A narrowly avoided crack to the head suggests you’d best watch your mouth or start gymming – lightning doesn’t strike twice.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

Neptune has passed its zenith. Uncertain times lay ahead; maybe your friend’s dad will give you a funny look. Does he disapprove of your pink shirt? Or perhaps it’s that haircut, no one knows.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

A fathom is a unit of measurement equal to approximately 1.83 metres. This horoscope is probably just as helpful as it would have been had I consulted my star charts correctly.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

Uranus is right in your Q Zone. Take this as a sign that it is still funny to laugh at Uranus because it contains “anus” and refers to somebody else’s.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Mercury is not in retrograde. We see a significantly increased chance of contracting at least one sexually transmitted infection. Best to abstain until September when Mercury is back in retrograde.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

The sun is shining brightly for you right now. This means that if you are already having a shit go of it, I’d hate to see what the rest of your year looks like.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

You probably have a birthday coming up, which indicates the likelihood of people being nice to you at least once in the next thirty-odd days, marginally higher.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

The planets are quiet. I’m not being mystical about it; there is genuinely fuck all going on in the Virgo Cluster right now. What can I say? The Universe is an enigma.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

With Matariki celebrations drawing to a close, it is time to part with some other things that are over, like the sack of potatoes growing shoots out of the pantry to the nearest light source.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

With the dwarf planet Haumea headed your way, things are never as they seem this week.  Even your star sign, the Scorpius cluster doesn’t look like a scorpion.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

Things you know to be true may grow unstable in the fog of uncertainty. It’s possible your star sign isn’t even correct anyway. Perhaps Ophiuchus is more your speed.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Pluto is all up in your shit right now and will be until at least 2023. This is not an excuse to continue being a piece of shit until then, however. Get stuck into it mate.