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Horoscopes – Issue 4

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Fate is conspiring in your favour. In a week and a half from now there may not be a University, a semester, or a tutorial, so is it really going to be that awkward to have sex with the hot guy two rows ahead of you?

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Love and struggle are constants for you this week. Is he cheating on you? We can’t say for sure. What we can tell you is that every sport event he has been going to this week is fucking cancelled.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Jupiter moves into alignment with Mercury this week but keeps way back #SocialDistancing

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

In a fast-paced world, contemplation can lead to revelation. If only there was a way you could be alone with your thoughts for a few weeks.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Sarah, I know I am just a horoscope writer and you are a features editor but with all the uncertainty in the world, I think we should take the plunge and make a commitment to co-isolate.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

Aries the God of War is alive in you this week but don’t give into your rage. Remember whatever hurt and anger you feel is about one-tenth that of someone who had tickets to both Deftones and Homegrown.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Pondering the nature of existence will lead you to answer the toughest questions like “If I can’t go to brunch and Instagram my food, will I ever eat again”

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Embrace the romance in your life. It isn’t Love in the Time of Cholera but it is awfully fucking close.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Be selfish, be safe. The new rule to live by is puff, puff, then keep puffing because if you are going to be stuck in your flat you may as well be baked.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

It is tough to imagine a continued existence with limited social contact, where you only communicate through DM’s, and Insta. Unless you have been to a house party in the last five years.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

While a lot of panic and hysteria exists it really is more important than ever that you stop using your flatmate’s toothbrush.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Serenity is its own reward. Just because you will be limited to Facebook for contact with the outside world doesn’t mean you have to use it. These are uncertain times and they aren’t always made more palatable by sharing your views on abortion, transport, and border security. Maybe learn to paint instead.

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