If people started referring to me as the Schemer, I wouldn’t not like it

 

This one is called ‘Uber Eats is a SCAM, just eat grass’

 

Step one: Get a fuckload of grass and blend it into smoothies. Use water or milk or spit or anything to make it that perfect smoothie texture (smooth).

 

Step two: Set up a smoothie selling stand, preferably somewhere with a lot of foot traffic and a lot of free grass. Like the Gardens, just do it at the Gardens.

 

Step three: Sell that shit. If the public doesn’t want to buy, simply make them buy with all of the determination and fake tears required.

 

Step four: Running low on that good green stuff? Mix up a lil more with all that free grass that’s all around you. Infinite resources.

 

Step five: Not infinite, actually. Once you’ve slain all the grass population, move onto the dirt. If it’s good enough for a worm, it’s good enough for me. I want to be a worm

 

Step six: Once you’ve sold all the dirt, you will find the ancient Titan buried under the Gardens. Once the sunlight hits it, it will awaken, standing up to return to the mountains, as the truce with the Bush Elves has been broken. Do Not Disturb The Great One includes not letting other people disturb the Great One, goddamnit!

 

Step seven: Continue into the hole left by the Great One. You will find a thick, near impenetrable layer of obsidian. You’re gonna wanna take some chunks of that obsidian, polish them, and sell them to… y’know, THOSE people. And that’s the scheme! That’s it. 

 

Step eight: Just kidding. Throw the rocks at old people