Aliens, lizard-people, secret organisations of the wealthy and powerful, all explanations for the ever-present question: “Why is the world the way it is?” When you learn that bad things happen to good people and the world is essentially random, it can be unsettling. For some, it is more comforting to believe that bad things happen according to a plan – an evil plan but a plan nonetheless. The comfort comes from knowing that if it weren’t for this evil plan the world would essentially be good, the seeming randomness would lift, and the messiness and chaos of the world and all its tragedies and dilemmas would fade away. As appealing an idea as this is, the basic thought process behind it has spawned a huge variety of outlandish, and often racist, conspiracy theories from the Tsar of Russia’s Protocols of the Elders of Zion all the way to 2020’s 5G-Coronavirus theory. In the spirit of outlandish explanations for daily problems, big or small, we’ve put together a lego-set of conspiracy components for you to build into your very own grand unified theory of why the world is as terrible it is; or rather why you haven’t made a start on any of your imminently due assignments.

 

Who?

You need to start with who is behind your conspiracy. You can start locally if you like, but to encompass everything that could possibly go wrong in your life and to appropriately apportion blame – the bigger the better. I’ve put together a few suggestions, essentially a greatest hits of global conspirators for you to slot into your conspiracy, and while some of them genuinely are evil (Amazon), any one will work.

 

  • The Bilderbergs
  • The Royal Family
  • The UN
  • The IMF
  • The World Bank
  • The Illuminati
  • Bill Gates
  • Amazon
  • Any Socialist or Left-Wing Government

 

The Plot

It sounds obvious, but the real meat of the conspiracy theory is exactly that – the conspiracy that is afoot. What makes a good conspiracy is the veneer of plausibility – we’ll get to the hows and whys later but the veneer of plausibility comes from weaving together a vaguely linked chain of happenings. A hundred years ago you might have picked the layout of Washington DC as an alien signal to channel cosmic energy, today you might pick data storage from website cookies as a tool for collecting human information to entrap us in some sort of Matrix-like digital prison. Whatever works and the sky’s the limit, but the key is to link real-world events together as if they were unified steps in a single plan, even if they are entirely unrelated.  

 

The Mechanics

To deprive the entire population of their rights and turn them into subservient sheeple, an amorphous and all-encompassing cabal of evil-doers needs some concrete steps to take. This is where you take your list of loosely connected events and find actions to prove that they are steps in a plan. It’s not enough to say that 5G towers were put up during COVID so that we couldn’t take action against the rollout – however, if we say that COVID was developed in a bio lab in Wuhan, which is the world’s first fully 5G active city in order to specifically prevent us protesting 5G, and then link that with the Spanish Flu a hundred years ago and the rollout of global radio then we’re starting to make a little more sense. It doesn’t hurt here to bend the truth a little too because of course if what you’re saying threatens to expose them, then the powers at be are going to disseminate fakes to counter your truths. 

 

Through control of _________, the ________ are ________ in order to ________. This all started in ____ with the signing of the ______, and________.