Not News 

The Entire Nexus Team is Made Up of Lizard People: Confirmed?? 

When this Nexus Writer confronted her very fabulous Editor, Tehana De Klerk, about the possibility of her entire team being reptiles disguised as people, she gave the statement “To claim that any of the team are lizard people would be entirely false and not true to the brand. Words words words. This is gonna be redacted anyway. We are not lizard people, we’re just writers and designers. We are definitely not lizard people. Stop asking me.”

Rebuilding the Set of Ratatouille so the Olympics can be in the Same Cinematic Universe 

In light of the Olympics being a thing, the world realised that they had officially run out of countries to hold the athletic people in sporty jail. Cue the invention of Paris – the fictional city from the Pixar film Ratatouille! They even included the weird tower thingie (with Olympic Rings… not very accurate to the film), and French people… how fascinating! 

FREE UNI CAR PARKS FOR ALL! 

That’s not true. But wouldn’t that be lovely? Why do I have to pay $50+ a week for petrol to drive to Uni… then also pay for parking… then also pay to go to Uni??? That makes no sense????

 

Fixing Headlines 

Here are some recent headlines from some well-known NZ news outlets. They’re all clearly wrong, so let’s fix ‘em up. 

 

Forecast for Waikato: Wet Everywhere (Waikato Times) 

No. Shit. Are we meant to be surprised? 

Breaking News! The Pope is Catholic. Water is Wet.  

 

Enough of This Rubbish: Is this the Worst Spot in Hamilton? (Waikato Times) 

Everywhere in Hamilton is the worst spot in Hamilton. 

Breaking News! Hamilton is Hamilton 

 

Patients Waiting Weeks to see Waikato GPs (Cambridge Edition) 

I thought this was common knowledge? 

Breaking News! If You’re Sick, You Just Gotta Deal With It 🙁 

 

How Apps Are Teaching Kids About Money (NZ Herald) 

In app purchases and what not. 

Breaking News! You Can Steal Mums Credit Card for Robux