It’s another Friday night and once again you find yourself with nothing better to do than go to a bar (or club depending on how much you’ve pregamed). Another night of trying to locate a semi-decent bar in Hamilton and deluding yourself that tonight might be different from the last. As long as the music is (subjectively) good and the (cheap) booze is flowing, tonight will be alright cause you’re (hopefully) surrounded by your bad bitches. While ordering the cheapest shot at the bar, you decide to kill some time and inflate your ego after spotting a mediocre-looking guy (bonus points if he has a bum bag/fanny pack). Here is a minute-by-minute playbook for that free drink:
0:05
Shoulders back, tits up – you turn in his general direction and let your eyes wander around the room and subtly land on him. Make sure to curve a small smirk and turn away after 5 unwavering seconds. It is crucial to appear interested yet not distant, you don’t want to appear desperate ladies (or so I’ve heard).
1:03
Once the subject has mustered a bit of courage to walk up to you (i.e. a swig of beer), he’ll ask you a slurry of general questions. “You come here often? You go to uni here? What’s your major? Cool” etc. All of which you respond to with one sentence replies accompanied with hooded eyes and a cheshire cat smile.
3:34
You get tired of waiting for the bartender so you lean in (tits up!) and whisper “wanna smoke a fag outside?” If he vapes move on to another target, it’s for the best. If he doesn’t smoke just say you’ve got some and “don’t like smoking alone” with pitiful puppy dog eyes (try to appear as child-like as possible, they find it “cute”). You want to present an enticing balance of innocence and hedonism, so you throw in a mischievous grin.
5:29
You lead him to a dimly lit alley, ensuring to sway your hips like a GTA stripper on the way there (shoulders back). Make sure the coast is clear, don’t want any of your friends asking about this tomorrow morning. He will inevitably begin talking about his interests, usually film or music (bonus points for Quentin Tarantino & Drake fanboys). They love getting their egos stroked by your (fake) open ears. You mustn’t chime in with contradictory constructive criticisms, their pride is built on centuries of the unstable hierarchical belief that men are inherently biologically better than the “other” sex. The mere wind from your breath will send all of their hard earned respect crashing down. But, do make sure to collaborate his individualism with a “I totally agree” or “wow, I never noticed that!”
6:54
He is bound to make a move on you now, since you have proven to be a willing submissive object (absent of differential beliefs). His eyes will close once he begins leaning in followed by fish-like puckering (try to not laugh challenge). Push him against the wall and hold his head steady with your non-dominant hand at the nape of his neck.
7:47
After a bit of snogging and maybe some necking, you’ve got him on your hook. Discreetly reach into your purse for the ornate dagger you ordered from Etsy and pierce his skin 6 cm below his ear and 5 cm deep, aiming to sever the carotid artery. Either side of the neck works, so just do whatever is convenient. Immediately step to the side so the blood doesn’t stain your precious clothes. He’ll struggle a bit initially, but eventually lose consciousness in a couple minutes.
9:28
Upon his expiration, renew your mentally exhausted being with the rich red fountain of life (life hack: bring a flask to stock up). You are not a vampire, you just have iron deficiency and forgot your pills. It’s what any civilised person would do after all, especially with all the inflation. Men use women for their personal benefit all the time, so why should it not be reciprocated? Is equality between the binary genders not what feminism strives for? And here you are, being such a good feminist.
10:00
A satisfied grin overtakes your blood stained lips. “You still wanna fuck me, right?” you ask the slumped corpse and walk away without looking back at your free drink.
Written by Marwa Nauman
Inspired by the movies: How to Lose a Guy in 10 days and Vampyros Lesbos
