F1 Fuck Boys
With Pirelli tyres spinning once again, the electricity of Formula 1 has returned for motorsport diehards and recent Netflix converts. Despite Michael Masi bum-fumbling in last season’s finale, the sport has never been more popular. A new car design and fresh regulations promise to shake up both the front runners and mid-pack teams, which is all very exciting. But let’s not lose sight of what’s really important here: the drivers.
More specifically, how the slender speedsters stack up as potential suitors. Sure, Carlos Sainz knows each corner of the racetrack intimately, but how would he navigate the sharp turns of deciding where to eat on a Tuesday night?
This ranking system will order the Formula 1 paddock based on boyfriend material intangibles and may also be used to determine who to follow on Instagram, bad mouth during the race and name drop at your next house party.
20 – 16: Ghosted
- Fernando Alonzo
Despite a personal rebranding in more recent years, Alonzo doesn’t have the greatest reputation for treating partners well (just ask Lewis Hamilton). The demanding Spaniard has a track record of awkward break-ups with previous teams and let’s not pretend the age gap wouldn’t be a tough sell.
- Lance Stroll
- Nicholas Latifi
- Zhou Guanyu
- Yuki Tsunoda
The polarising sophomore for AlphaTauri still has a lot of growing up to do. Expect date nights to be plagued with complaints and his apartment to be devastated by mountains of laundry and Red Bull swag.
15 – 11: Facebook Friends
15: Alex Albon
14: Max Verstappen
Forget about a casual game of monopoly (if there is such a thing) or a playful pillow fight. Verstappen will dominate you in every facet of life and turn anything potentially neutral into a competition that the hot blooded dutchman must win.
13: Mick Schumacher
12: Pierre Gasly
11: Esteban Ocon
A gentle toothy grin paired with the impressive lankiness to reach the top shelf of any kitchen. With brilliant table manners Ocon is a safe bet to bring home to meet mum and dad.
10 – 6: Sneaky Link
10: Sergio Perez
9: Lewis Hamilton
Boasting a trendy wardrobe and a hint of glamour seldom found in the pits, Hamilton likely has dating down to a fine art. The tricky part would be getting a word in over coffee as he spends its entirety explaining how connected he is to the ocean.
8: Kevin Magnussen
7: Sebastian Vettel
6: Daniel Ricciardo
With a seemingly constant grin, the down to earth, self-deprecating McLaren driver could prove either infectious or infuriating, depending how Australian you are.
5 – 1: Total Package
5: George Russell
Esteban Ocon but with incredible eyelashes.
4: Carlos Sainz
Get past the Spanish dub of Kermit the Frog and you have yourself a smooth operator belonging to the tall dark and handsome architype.
3: Valtteri Bottas
Although it might come with some passive aggressive, under the breath remarks, Bottas will do anything to help you succeed, sacrificing his own hopes and dreams to ensure you realise yours.
2: Lando Norris
A great project with high upside. Much like most 22-year olds Norris is a bit rough around the edges and is often threatened by his partners. Manage to break down these fresh off puberty man-child walls and you may find yourself with the bell of the ball.
1: Charles Leclerc
Unsurprisingly the most polished, well-rounded boyfriend available. Not only does the boyish face make podium for most handsome, but you also get the accent, the quiet demeanour and the Monaco family home. How does one say no to a second date with Charles?