What a Bummer

 

(This story has been condensed for length & girth)

 

My first time having anal sex… in a bathroom. It went about as well as you think it would. Now I don’t want any of you getting confused that my first time having anal sex was in a bathroom, but rather my first time having anal sex in any bathroom wasn’t that successful.

 

It was the first year of university, and I was dating a long-term boyfriend from High School. We were very much “in love,” but neither of us really knew where to go from there. We had tried various things by that point, including anal but in a very basic setting. We’d done all the public stuff, sex in a car, sex in a toilet. Although one day, my boyfriend mentioned to me that we hadn’t done anal sex in a public bathroom. And so there, the idea was then set into motion.

 

Because he’s a romantic, or was a romantic, he let me choose the site. It took weeks of meticulous planning, searching for locations recommended by users on Reddit. But one day, it dawned on me, why not stick to what we are used to: the university bathrooms. We were both hall kids (up the studs) and we were well aware of all the silent bathrooms on campus. So why not use one of those?

          

The night was upon us, it was sort of cold and dreary, but I couldn’t help but feel the romance in the air. Was it really romantic? Or just a really intense feeling of lust for this boy that I really thought I was going to marry (spoiler alert, I didn’t). Regardless of what it might have been, we were both ready to start the journey into what could have been a bright future of sexual endeavours throughout the university campus.

 

I won’t mention which bathroom it was, but I know that it was quiet and the hallway leading to the bathroom was dead empty. It wasn’t even the sound of a moving building around us; it’s almost as if fate wanted us in that place, at that time to do the deed.

 

“Should I play some music?” he asked, very timidly.

 

All I could think in my head was, what the heck kind of music do you play when someone is about to pound deep inside your ass? Too crass?

 

“Yeah sure,” is all I could muster back before the stage was set.

 

He handed me one of the AirPods (classy) before starting what was probably the absolute WORST song possible. “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliott.

 

Head banga, hit me 

Hit me, hit me

 

At this time, I’m going to spare you some of the details of orientation and how exactly I was positioned. But know that a guy eating out your ass, while listening to “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliott, isn’t exactly the most romantic setting. I mean, I should have surely known at that point that this wasn’t going to go right, but I was in love with this boy.

 

Either way, he was ready.

 

…

 

To be honest, it was actually not too bad at this point. His pacing was alright, I was ‘loose’ so to speak. That was until my foot slipped from the edge of the bowl of the toilet into the water. I then swung down and smashed my head on the back of the toilet.

 

How could it possibly get any worse? I hear you all asking. Well, he then decided to try to help and save me by grabbing my hair and yanking my head upward, giving me whiplash.

 

I ended up with a black eye, a chipped tooth, and a massive headache. He ended up laughing, and apparently a bruised ego.

 

Some life advice, girlies; never do it in a bathroom.

 

Till the bed breaks

 

So me and this girl were having sex, it was her first time, and we were going quite slow. We’d been talking for months and it had all been leading up to this point hey. We’d had a nice dinner and I’d asked her a million times if she was okay and if this is what she wanted. Every time, it was a “stop asking, I’m really fucking keen”, so I proceeded – with caution.

 

We were having a good time, the candles were lit, and we were playing some good music and just vibing with it. We’d started easy with me going down on her and her moaning in the most hot fucking way. I’d suggested she ride me but wasn’t too keen as she wasn’t sure how good she’d be. So I was on top but taking it pretty easy, when all of a sudden the entire mattress broke through the slats underneath and crashed to the floor.

 

it happened so fast it took a second to realise what even happened, and then we got up and, while still both naked, attempted to fix the bed. I was so fucking embarrased especially since our flat had hard wood floors. As it turns out, it happened because when I put together this cheap ass Warehouse frame I put one of the large pegs into a small hole, then realised that it was too big, took it out, and put the correct size one in. That stretched the wood enough for the peg to not totally fit anymore, and even the slightest jerking of the frame caused it to come out, which caused the slats to fall and the mattress to just plummet to the floor. 

 

We stayed naked because we were stoned and didn’t think far enough to put clothes on, and when we were done we realised how silly that whole situation looked. It actually was a good bonding experience for us both and now we’ve been dating for five years. Gotta love some shit experiences to come together. 

 

That’s how your dad used to do it

 

I’m not the most sexually advanced person as my body count is honestly a lot lower than some may assume. I dress sort of slutty but it’s definitely for me and no one else, stop fucking looking. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been experimental with partners I have had. Anything from eating his ass, to threesomes with mates who were probably way too close for it to be comfortable. You name it, I’ve considered it. 

 

Anyway, I was hooking up with this guy for a few months in 2021. We were so in sync you know? Like everything was clicking and I was just having a good fucking time. Anything I wanted to try, he was into it and encouraged me to look shit up for the next time we linked. Not to mention he was fiiiiine. Built asf guy with muscles and worked in construction. Or something because he owned a fuck load of hi-vis. Either that or he was a massive townie. I didn’t care if he could make me cum the way he did.

 

We stopped chatting when I got a little too emotionally involved, knowing that he wasn’t in that space nor was he looking for that. It was purely sexual for him. I had just forgotten that rule. My bad man, miss you. But I ended up blocking his number and moving on. Though I won’t lie and say he isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when the purr of my Satisfyer Pro 2 starts going. 

 

There were a couple of dud hookups post tradie daddy. I was chasing something that I couldn’t get without him. Until I hooked up with this tall finance bro. Not my usual type you know? Had a mullet and wore Rodd & Gunn quarter zips. That kind of bro. But the boy ate pussy like his life depended on it. Like I was his last meal and he’d been starving for weeks before coming over and going downtown on me. A true saint of a boy.

 

We started ‘dating’ because I wasn’t going to let that go to waste, and I wasn’t fucking dumb. That’s how it went for a while. He came over, proved to Ice Spice that he was in fact a munch, and then we’d cuddle and watch shit on Amazon prime. That was till I was scrolling his Facebook one night, showing the girls the boy who made me wetter than the pacific when suddenly there he was. My hi-vis daddy with his arm wrapped around the young gun and smiling the EXACT SAME FUCKING SMILE.

 

Now this is the point where I should’ve flicked him a ‘sos bro im out’ text. But you know how I mentioned earlier that I wasn’t fucking stupid? 

 

🤡🤡🤡

 

To the boy who still occasionally comes over and chows down on the grecian goddess that is my pussy, I can in fact say that you do it like your dad used to!

 

Sleeping bag antics

 

Sunsets have and will always be the most gorgeous thing to me. There’s something so beautiful about the way that it sits so softly on the horizon line. You know what isn’t so beautiful though? Morning wood poking you in your back when you’re forced to share a sleeping bag with your horny 19 year old boyfriend. 

 

I’m all for spontaneous sex but this morning was extra spontaneous. We were both a week into camping with his whānau and there’s nothing that gets you hornier than time with the folks. 

 

Wait, I think I phrased that wrong. You know what I mean right?

 

But there we were, a crisp morning by the ocean, the morning sun was sitting on the water, and we were both in the mood now. How much detail should I be going into? I will say this, I was rocking that boy’s shit up. I was doing the glock glock 3000. Rotating hands, slurping him the fuck up. Mans was entering a new level of heaven. I’m talking, eyes rolling into his skull, sort of happiness. I was giving him all I got and honestly it was working for me too.

 

We were going at it for about 10 minutes, switching positions and genuinely having a good time. Mind you, keeping silent where we could and attempting to mask the sound of wet slapping with the odd cough and laughter.

 

We both came together, panting and hugging as we tried to recover from that ordeal of a session. He needed to piss, and so did I but we didn’t go together. It was, no shit, maybe 5 seconds after he left before running straight back in and looking at me with wide eyes.

 

“They’re all sitting having breakfast and yes… they heard us”

 

Shit Happens

 

First things first, I’m a heterosexual cisgender woman and I use Tinder to avoid having to hook up with local guys when all I want is a casual relationship. I’m from a small town up north, and if you’ve ever lived in one of those you’ll understand instantly what I mean…. So I get this guy to drive here, a 3hr trip for him. We meet in public, to make sure he’s not a serial killer or whatever and to see if we get on in person. I don’t feel super attracted to him – like we’re not really “clicking” – but, it’s whatever. He has a penis, is in my age bracket, isn’t super gross, he’s driven 3hrs to see me, and I’m super horny desperate. And so I brought him home.

 

We get to my place and things get hot and heavy rather quickly. We go straight to the bedroom. He’s a little rougher than I usually go for (I like to joke that my kink is you pretending that you actually love me) but again, it’s fine, I’m horny and I’m taking what I can get at this stage, right?

 

Now bear in mind that I’d been nervous that day, and hadn’t eaten breakfast – just had a couple of coffees. The night before though, I’d eaten Indian food. Just putting that out there.

 

Back to the sex. He was rougher, and bigger, than I’d been expecting. It had been months since I’d gotten fucked. We start off in doggy style but within a few minutes I decide I want to be a bit more in control (HAHAHA) and I initiate a position switch.

 

Now I’m on top, and this is a lot better for me. It’s less about how he likes it and more about how I want it. I get down low, my head close to his shoulder, and I’m really just doing my thing when suddenly he grabs me by the hips and starts doing this whole other thing, his thing – aggressively – and maybe because I’d already been so close? It’s all just wayy too much for me and I feel myself cumming hard… except then I’m not just cumming?! It all happens so quickly but, I think I came while I farted but it was actually… well you know. Not a big one or a lot (because I hadn’t eaten much) but with a bit of liquid to it too; and it SMELT sooo bad, because of the Indian food I’d had the night before too. 

 

I froze. He froze. He started to look disgusted, to say “what?” but before he’d even finished getting the word out I’d jumped up and off him – not quickly enough to avoid seeing what I’d done, on him – and ran to the bathroom in wide eyed panic. This had never (and has never since) happened to me before. I had never heard of it happening to anyone else before, either. This was awful. I was in tears, moaning “no no no no no no no nope, no” over and over to myself as I heard him walk up the hallway, knock, call my name from outside the bathroom, and knock again. I did not respond. I could not respond. I. I didn’t know what to say.

 

Eventually he came in, because I mean he had to shower too right? Of course he did. Yeah. So. That happened, and it was awkward and terrible and silent and I still didn’t know what to fucking say. What the hell can you say? Also I was still crying, and saying “no”. Lol

 

He only took a minute anyway, grabbed a towel and left with it. I closed the bathroom door behind him and waited until long after he had left to go to the bedroom and change the sheets. He had, of course, already unmatched me on Tinder.

 

Now clap

 

Once I was hooking up with a guy from Tinder, and between the alcohol, condoms, and nerves from being with a new guy, I needed a little assistance from Mr. Lube.

 

So I reach over grab the lube, and then my brain goes into autopilot. I’ve done this before, I know what to do.

 

Putting a small amount in the palm of my hand, I started to rub that shit into my hands like lotion.

 

Suddenly I realize what the fuck I’m doing, I stare at my hands, back at this guy, back at my hands and I start dying laughing. Like tears are streaming down my face laughing. Brain malfunction level 11. He looked horrified.

 

In retrospect, he was probably like “where does she plan on putting that hand?”.

 

I never heard from him again.

 

The day Ted Bundy came to stay

 

I’m not sure how familiar you all are with kinks. But the world of kink is a strange and winding beast. Once you start delving into it, the more random shit you realise you’re into. I’ve met some good mates in the kink world and some equally hot hookups. Anyway, I had this very kinky fuck-buddy for a while. We were both matched well in what we were into. There were not a whole lot of limits, and we were open to exploring. I should mention I’m a pretty tall guy, and fairly strong. What this meant is she was into me being a bit aggressive.

 

One night, I’d come home post gym to a text from her saying, “I want you to fucking own me” and a particularly lovely snapchat from her. Now I’m a man for the people, I’m not going to disappoint am I? So I showered and sent an equally cheeky snap back with the caption, “well come and fucking get it then”. Yeah that shit worked.

 

It’d been maybe 10 minutes and then she was at my door, waiting patiently for me. We have this way of asking for consent with hand squeezing because there’s usually a gag involved. So we went ahead with it. We are getting hot and heavy in the hallway, leading to the room and I throw her on the bed. She’s very much into Consensual Non Consent. I won’t be explaining that, you’re welcome to give it a search if you like. So I tell her what I’m going to do to her by force.

 

What I MEANT to say was “Yeah, you want me to throw you on the bed and rip your fucking pants off?”.

 

What I SAID was “Yeah, you want me to throw you on the bed and rip your fucking legs off?”.

 

She was stunned but I could see a smirk forming immediately after I said it. We laughed for a good hour or so. To this day I still say it when she comes over.

 

Instagram submissions

 

‘Hooking up with this guy, decided to ghost him after the 4th time his penis bled.’ – Bleeding Hearts

 

‘Guy who I fucked had a biting kink, I didn’t know about it until he started nibbling at my neck’ – Edward Cullen

 

‘’Made out with mutual friend then dropped her off and took her passport & keys (black out)’ – Best mate ever

 

‘One night one of my flatties bought a guy home and he slept with me instead 🤥🫣’ –  Worst mate ever

 

‘Did it at the park n the guy said his friend is trying to off himself so he needed to go’ – Public boy

 

‘Once got an infection in my eye from my boyfriends cum’ – Medical Mystery

 

‘Ever fucked and thought you were wet and realised you got your period?’ – Wet is wet