— 04.23
I stopped believing at the age of 13.

God has not yet cursed me for my disbelief, I have been very fortunate all my life.

I was forced to attend church every week as a youngun, no exceptions – every week, 52 times a year.

Just because I have been fortunate in my life does not mean I owe any thanks to a magic man in the sky. For every one of me, there is someone who suffers great misfortune – are they cursed by a magic man in the sky?

I have found hard work to be more effective than prayer when it comes to achieving my goals.

You cannot be convinced out of your belief in god. The same way I am very unlikely to be convinced out of my rejection of the supernatural. These are very deeply ingrained view points that colour our experiences differently, one person drawing holy meaning out of the ordinary and seemingly extraordinary (interpreting coincidences/thoughts/feelings as proof of god’s existence), and one person thinking it aint that deep. I know for I used to be like you, my faith was strong, with no doubts in my mind, being reassured by all manner of trivial things.

How can there be a god who is benevolent, all-knowing, and all-powerful in this world we live in. A world so full of suffering. I am sure you have heard the debating points before.

I used to be like you – my faith was strong, 

Around the age of 10, I was desperate for proof of God.

At Sunday School, we were being taught how to pray. This was a Pentecostal church, where the outright supernatural was encouraged. I already could not speak in tongues. How inadequate I felt, the least pious in the room.

Being taught how to pray, we were told to tell the teacher in front of the class what God was telling us in our prayer.

God didn’t say anything to me – I only had my own thoughts in my head. Desperate to pass this test of faith, I made up that God was telling me “something about the wind” – how inadequate I felt, knowing my communications with God were so phoney. I could not seek refuge in you for my doubts, this was far too scandalous conversation.

One thing the church does well is worship music. Music is emotional manipulation for us simple humans, making us feel all types of ways. Add to this being a part of a group, singing together, this is a most powerful feeling. A concert every week. However this does not make the lyrics any more truthful.

One Sunday morning, I was desperate for a sign from God. That morning, I was sitting down during worship, as kids were allowed to do – adults had to stand, but small children could get away with sitting. I suddenly got the urge to stand up and spread my arms to the heavens. I did so, and all of a sudden got the most wonderful feeling of lightness on my head. as the bass boomed, I was sure it was god touching me. There are two possibilities that might explain this. Maybe there really is a magic man in the sky. Or maybe I felt like stretching, and felt lightheaded because I stood up too fast. Occam’s razor urges me to eliminate the supernatural explanation.


Nowadays I get the same feeling from hitting a vape.

At a Christian summer camp, “who feels God in this room?”, “who wants to give their life to Christ, come to Jesus, right now?”

Coloured lights, smoke machines, the room dripping with peer pressure. 2 people in that room came forward, and were celebrated by the crowd of their peers for it. On the stage, with the music leader, they pledged to be born again, to be free from their sins, to walk fresh on the earth as born again Christians. If there is truth to the book, why must such manipulative methods be used to get people to promise to believe for the rest of their days? At God’s own music festival, Festival One. Why did the Lord God most high allow one of his followers to take bad drugs and end up in hospital, just a few years ago. surely he could have prevented this

Seeing into coincidences –

Plane anecdote – as the plane took off, the song rapped about a plane taking off on a song I was playing from my discover weekly. I got the strange epiphany that this was the type of stuff I used to take as proof of a divine creator – and it is true, my faith was strong as a child

I know spiritual experiences to be explainable by rational means, for I used to be like you, my faith was strong, and reinforced by spiritual experiences. Parents have a strong influence on how their children turn out. In regards to religion, this is called childhood indoctrination, and it is very successful. For every born again believer who found faith (typically after a life changing event as a coping mechanism), there are ten who were raised in a household of faith, and never got around to thinking such scandalous thoughts as leaving the church.

We should not argue over the existence of god. In the past, I have tried with Mother –

This is a regret, it only brought us grief.

I think that worrying about the truth of something innately unknowable, indeterminate and unprovable such as “is God real” or any take on what happens when consciousness ends (what happens when we die) is not a productive use of time. I concede that religion appears to be greatly helpful to many people for mental health, and relief of stress, being reassured that everything will be alright. 

This is a falsehood, tomorrow may have a tragic ending, and there may be no afterlife. Neither of us know, and I wager God doesn’t know either.

In this way I view religion as a tool, the same way some people might seek professional help for mental health. I have not needed either so far in my young life, and have been lucky enough to find that adequate sleep, regular exercise, and healthy diet to be a strong enough Hauora (health) base to keep my Taha hinengaro and Taha wairau (mental and spiritual health) healthy.

I find marijuana to be greatly effective for stress relief myself – dad, I know you were a stoner in your younger years! Why must religion divide us, let us smoke the herb together.

Some people might find religion relieves their fear of death in this way it is also a tool, the same way studies into psychedelics have found them to be greatly helpful for terminally ill patients to make sense of their own mortality

For every positive of Christianity, I only see a negative counter-balance.

Mother, you always held hate in your heart for those who went against the holy book. how silly it is to have a holy book, full of contradictions, full of tales of barbary and slaughter of ages past. The collective human knowledge base surely surpassed that of those ancient uneducated writers long ago. What first put doubts in my mind was the very book itself. At 13, urged by Christians such as you, I opened the holy book. I picked a random page, sure that God would guide me to wisdom I needed to read.

What was written on those pages disgusted me.

How a God of love urged his tribe to brutally massacre all their neighbours, because their origin story and magic man in the sky was slightly different.

How misogyny, homophobia, and hate fill those pages.

More progressive strains may claim a poetry in the madness, not to be taken literally. The pastor on Sunday often speaks in an uplifting tone, bringing positive energy to all manner of everyday topics. Does this make his book any more true? Cherry picking only the most appropriate lines, slicing and dicing around the unsophisticated brutality. Completely disregarding the first half.

If such gymnastics are needed to make the Bible palatable, does that not make you wonder of the true nature of the book? Have you ever wondered about the origin of religions? How they are born, how they spread, why people believe? A phenomenon as natural as you and me. Every culture has an origin story. How is it that all the others are blasphemy, but you are correct? You curse me for being prideful for giving up the faith. “How you think you know everything, child”. I only see your pride, believing all others to be wrong, you holding the truth. I do not claim to know the answers to such matters as “is god real” and what happens after we die. These are unknowable. I surely believe there to be no supernatural plane. But why would this God have caused me to change my mind? How cruel of him to curse me for my unbelief, banishing me to hell if I don’t return to the fold, even though it was him in control of everything the whole time.

How silly it is to hate someone due to the way they are.

Mother, I have first hand heard the most awful of curses you lay on the LGBT community. Little do you know my brother, your own son, is a proud member of the community, your words hurt him greatly. He is honest and proud in all but a select few instances – still in the closet at the Christmas dinner. I see the religion fuelled hate on the news, it seems hard to find a religion of peace, Christianity is no exception. A god who judges you for not just your actions, but the very thoughts that pop into your head out of your control does not sound like. this surely is terrible for a child going through puberty, all new thoughts going through my mind,

Am I evil? what must I do to repent for my sins, I thought to myself.

Religion places such grave danger on the mundane. Masturbation, premarital sex, getting a tattoo. As I have grown, I have broken many rules of your holy book. Why place so much meaning in these random acts? Why did you deprive me of watching Harry Potter all my childhood, convinced it was the work of the devil? Surely you see how silly you were. I missed out on a lot of great secular art. Not allowed to listen to secular music, condemned to listening to CCM.

Mother, I have witnessed your spiritual journey following the diagnosis of my sister, your very own daughter. She is closest to you, and you are closest to her.

This has weighed heavily on all of us, and I see your sadness and sorrow as you know it will endure, his life seemingly derailed so young. Can I blame you for your religious journey, so desperate to find piety – I know a religious person could interpret these times as punishment.

What has helped me was the brave souls who came out of the closet before me. Christian heroes of my youth, jolly old Jesus loving Youtubers Rhett and Link, I used to watch their videos as a child. We used to watch them together. I intermittently watched their podcast as an adolescent.

On this podcast, they talked of their spiritual deconstruction, how they navigated all manner of viewpoint shifts from bible bashing Southern baptists in North Carolina to non-believers living in Los Angeles, and how they navigated the deep taboos of leaving the religion of their family. Many religions are like this – promising to banish, disown, cut out those who are on the fence about leaving. Their words helped me reach a similar place to them – I am not a bad person for leaving Christianity. Thank you for reading. I hope it was tasteful to people no matter where they sit spiritually.

I do not like it when Christians say they will pray for me after hearing me speak about my deeply personal, nuanced spiritual journey. It always comes off as smug.

If you have a differing view point, or want to discuss these matters further, in any capacity, as a closeted atheist or a deity fearing religious person, I would love to hear it. Email me at religious-trauma-anonymous@nexusmag.co.nz