AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

This is that part of the party where the only light is from the bare bulb in the toilet, people are passed out on couches and the stereo is crooning to an empty room. Get used to the metaphor.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Nothing will ruffle you this week. Nothing can ruffle you because nobody is allowed to go anywhere. If only it was like this all the time.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

You don’t like being told what to do but here is what you have to do. Do nothing that requires being anywhere or doing anything. Just like all of your relationships, this too will end soon enough.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

Those that have to live with you for the next four weeks are incredibly grateful for how comfortable you have made the home bubble. You can stop reminding them about it now.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

All of your friends are talking about you behind your back. They’re saying the exact same things you said about others. How that feels to you now tells you what kind of person you are.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

There are far worse places to be than where you are right now but try not to think about that or you may end up making this place like that place even if it’s all in your head.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

When this is all over your End Of The World Party will be the most celebrated and widely talked about party of the decade amongst the survivors.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Even though you’ve been classified as an essential service and it makes you feel useful, try not to resent those who are still getting paid to do absolutely nothing.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Op shops will no longer take your second-hand clothing as beautiful and unique as it is. You should cut it up to make new cyberpunk costumes for the impending apocalypse.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

Be kind to the people around you at a time like this. It will be hard, no doubt, but it will be even harder for the coroner to prove your cause of death wasn’t the coronavirus once the cordon lifts.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

You’re probably right and you’re used to being so but your previous opponents were merely human and it’s really hard to argue with a pandemic.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Don’t let that lady at the supermarket take the last roll of toilet paper. You saw it first. Approach her mumbling, mop your brow and cough loudly. That should get you anything you want.