Dear Aunty Slut,

The lock down has left me with some time on my hands, and I’m wondering, when is it okay for me to send a girl a picture of my cock? I think I have a nice looking one, but I’m not getting too many favourable reviews, and it’s denting my confidence.

Thanks,
Snap Happy

Dear Snap Happy,

I’m a big fan of penis, but I don’t like being surprised by one. I like to know when a penis is on the cards before it gets all up in my face. I want to desire the presence of a penis in my personal space well before it arrives. I don’t like being flashed when I’m walking home, and I don’t like unsolicited dick pics. Shoving your cock at someone who hasn’t consented to see it is rude, vaguely threatening and deeply unsexy. A dick pic is not flirting. If that’s what you’re using them for- stop doing it.

Sending someone a dick pic when your only previous conversation is “hey what are you up to? I’m having dinner with my parents tonight, roast chicken, my favourite” is kind of like tea-bagging your mate who has passed out on the couch- comic, but not sexy or impressive in any way. If you want girls to laugh at your dick then send them an unsolicited dick pic. And just because Snapchat pics disappear after a while does not mean you should be snapping your junk to every girl on your contacts list. It’s called a screenshot. You wear pants when meeting someone new for a reason. Wear pants when first chatting to girls too!

I’m not interested in your dick pic if it’s you’re just exercising your ego. Pro tip: if you’re holding it up against an inanimate object to prove how massive you are, all you’re proving is that you’re a massive douche. If you have a big cock we can tell without you putting a bic lighter up against it, we have eyes! Besides, you all know how I feel about guys who think their big cocks size automatically make them good lovers. Give me a smaller cock and a man who knows what to do with it and cares if I’m getting off over a douchey choad-head any day.

If you’re trying to woo someone, don’t send them a picture of your cock. I know you guys think we want naked pictures of you, because you want naked pictures of us, but it’s just not quite that simple. A penis is not a valentine, or two xx at the end of a text. A disembodied cock is not sexy- it’s a log with a weird looking knob on the end. No one likes a creepy porno boner when they’re not expecting it. If you must send me a dick pic, I want to see your sexy belly, and your sexy thighs and your sexy, sexy hand clenched around the base. Or even better, I want to see a suggestive bulge beneath your boxers. And if you’re sending me a dick pic, it better be a dick I know and love, or I’m going to laugh at you no matter how amazing you think your cock is.

Send your sexy sex questions to auntyslut@nexusmag.co.nz