There are three little words with the potential to make or break the vibe if said while in a compromising position. Not βI love youβ, but βAre you close?β
Perhaps you might have heard of the orgasm gap (correction: everyone has heard of the orgasm gap). A lot of women have a hard time reaching orgasm. So, sometimes, they fake it. Anyone can fake an O, itβs true. But women fake it the most often. Research has shown that womenβs chance of O-ing is halved in casual sex compared to women in relationships, and alcohol – aphrodisiac though it may be – drops those chances even further. So if youβre a guy that thinks a chick has never faked an O with you, I have some bad news, champ. Many, many straight women (queer liaisons = significantly better odds) have never had an orgasm. Some women fake it for decades. Some fake it for entire marriages. That, my friends, is bleak.
Why fake it? Well, the sex was shit. No, Iβm (mostly) kidding. More often than not, faking it isnβt intended to be an arsehole move. Itβs called a sexual performance, and what good is any performance without a strong finale, right? That pressure is one factor. Presumably, we like you enough to have traversed to the bedroom, therefore we like you enough to want you to remember this escapade as being really fucking memorable. And that means both parties reach climax. Without wanting to make our inamorato feel inadequate, sometimes the magic just ainβt happening, so pretending seems like the easiest option. Maybe weβre faking it because we donβt want to seem like a failure, or less feminine, or less sexy or whatever because we canβt reach it. Maybe weβre just tired. Maybe itβs the faster solution; enduring a marathon session of being pounded like a topside roast with a meat mallet when a guy is just determined to make it happen can be painful. Mentally, and physically (have you ever had your junk swell up? Itβs not fucking nice). Guys that donβt care about making a woman cum have a special place in hell, but the βIβm Not Going To Stop Going Until You Cum – I Am Determined To Validate My Sexual Prowess As A Manβ guy is misdirected. Comforting an emasculated ego is extra work. No offense. Faking it is a finish that wraps things up on our own terms. For whatever the reason may be, rest assured that if a chick looks perfectly put together and great while theyβre doing it, thatβs evidence enough to suggest itβs probably fake. Just saying.
When I first learned that faking it was even a thing, I promised myself I would never do it. Why give someone the validation if they didnβt earn it? Mumma didnβt raise me to buy into prioritising male entitlement to sexual pleasure, for fuckβs sake. But βneverβ turned into doing it just once (three hours plus is just excessive), then doing it just twice (the lad just seemed so fucking happy with himself, bless his heart). Could kick myself for unjustifiably boosting the egos of a couple of bonafide fuckboys. So, Iβve re-promised myself to never do it again. And I want anyone reading this too, as well. Doesnβt matter how cute he is. Doesnβt matter if you want to βlook good.β No more unearned awards for participation.
At some point or another, youβve got to communicate what you like. Much like owning a Chanel bag, sure the knockoff might look the same from the outside, but that doesnβt stop the guilt from KNOWING itβs fake. Besides, it doesnβt even compare to the feeling of having the real deal. If you keep faking it, olβ comrade there will never learn what you really like. The further in you get, the more difficult it is to say βOh, babe? Awkward, but like every orgasm youβve given me for the past ten months? Yeah, I faked them all.β Faking it means you both lose. Anyone would feel pretty crappy knowing that their partner had to pretend to orgasm, remember that. The preferable alternative is to get it right from the early days. Right off the bat, my diagnosis is that thereβs probably not enough foreplay happening and insufficient clit action (weβre all adults here, right? You can handle hearing the word clitoris?). It has less to do with vessel size and much more to do with ocean motion. And also whether the captain allows enough time at port for all passengers to get off. But thatβs enough metaphors about sea-men.
Weβre all led to think guysβ orgasms are easy, whereas making a women orgasm is rocket science, right? Well, no. Thatβs a cultural belief, not a biological fact. Thereβs literally no data to show that some women arenβt capable of orgasm. The problem is a mixture of partners not knowing what theyβre doing, and women not knowing what to do, either. Youβve probably heard that, as a chick, being able to cum is – at least in part – tied up in the whole mental game of accepting yourself and having the confidence to communicate your wants, and yadda yadda. Itβs like having a socially anxious vagina, if you will.
Advice like βJust relaxβ and βItβll happen, donβt rush itβ is well-intentioned bullshit. It encourages a passive approach where youβre placing the responsibility entirely in somebody elseβs hands to figure out what you like. Thereβs this weird belief that women can just park up on their back, do absolutely nothing, and climax within minutes of a penis entering orbit. But if it hasnβt worked so far, itβs probably not going to work now. So, give up the acting career, and embark on some personal education.
Brace yourselves, Iβm about to use the m-word. Chicksβ capacity to enjoy sex is reduced if they donβt masturbate. Drum it in until itβs normal. Itβs normal for guys, after all. Learn what kind of touch you like. And learn that what porn reckons should turn you on is probably very different to what will, actually, turn you on. But I mean, if fantasizing about gang-banging your step-siblings works for you, then go for it. Just maybe think that one through before trying at home.
Takeaway: Letβs all make a pact to stop faking it, and instead take a team effort to figure out how to make it happen for ya. The real key? Put less pressure on the final product and more emphasis on exploring and enjoying the process. And donβt ignore the fucking clit. Xx