Ahh, a question as old as Adam and Eve themselves. I desperately hope you know what they chose, otherwise I’d advise getting out from the rock you’ve been under. 300,000 years later, here I am, with no snakes nor forbidden fruit, but rather, a bag full of chocolate-flavoured condoms that give me the choice of whether I’d like to breed with any old Adam. 

Before you read any further (mother), I am not planning on procreation anytime soon and with the Sahara Desert my sex life happens to be, it’s not happening by chance either. I used to think I was severely unmaternal based on the fact I avoid being shown pictures of babies like the plague, but considering that I do have a list of baby names (which I happen to bring out on every first date I go on), maybe I am, or maybe that’s why I haven’t found a partner I could imagine having a child with yet. Procreation is quite literally my Roman Empire, and I can’t weigh up if it’s for me. If you have made it this far, I’m certain you’re wondering why a single 21-year-old with no inclination to have a child yet is qualified to write this article- and that’s exactly why I am. I assure you I’ve never had an original thought in my life, so I can’t be the only one in this slight predicament. 

New Zealand’s fertility rate slumped to a record low in 2023, with the ratio of children to mothers being 1.56. We aren’t alone either- with the Lancet Medical Journal finding by 2050, three-quarters of countries are forecast to fall below the population replacement birth rate of 2.1 babies per woman.

There are many logical explanations for why this may be- perhaps because most of us can hardly afford to look after ourselves, let alone another being. Or maybe it’s just because birth control has become more accessible, or because the average age of childbearing has risen to 31.3 resulting in people having fewer kids. There are also a few unproven theories I have that may be the cause, such as higher standards for men meaning people are choosing not to breed with men they aren’t sure are up to the job. Maybe it’s just the lack of societal pressure. 

However, my most favourable theory is ‘The List’.

‘The List’ is a modern-day masterpiece, curated by none other than a Tiktoker. Australian model turned Tiktoker, Ellie Gonsalves, infamously shared her list of 118 reasons why she does not want to have kids. After reading the list initially posted in 2023, I honestly think it holds enough weight to affect our population. I mean, so much of what we see about having children online is so glamorised, it’s probably a reality check we all need to see, and definitely one I will be printing and putting on my *prospective* future families’ fridges to encourage the use of protection! Here are some of my favourite points;

5. The world’s already overpopulated. 

12. You will watch them grow up in a world full of chaos and stress every minute if they are ok. 

15. Kids can be widely embarrassing.

62. A lot of people will fist you to see how dilated you are.

67. You have to go through school again. 

76. You will more than likely shit yourself during birth.

85. Childbirth can cause rectal prolapse. 

93. You will never be alone. ever.

98. A fetus can dig their nails into your uterus. 

101. The baby can fracture your tailbone on exit if too big.

Do you see what I mean now? This is definitely what Harold the Friendly Giraffe should be teaching us in schools, or what condom companies should be using in their marketing campaigns. I think the list proves as even better birth control than a baby crying behind you on an overnight flight. I’m sure you’re thinking “it can’t really be that bad if everyone does it”. However, the stats do suggest that more people are becoming aware of the woes of parenthood, and therefore choosing not to do it. 

Although societal pressures are easing off, there’s partly still that instinct that kinda makes us all feel like we should have children. I mean, what else possessed me to write a list of baby notes in my notes app (I know you have one too)? Like really, I sounded like a bit of an anti-baby freak up to this point, but ultimately I think I’d like to have the experience one day. Perhaps it is the inner worry of not finding a suitable partner, or pressure to perform well in our careers and to be extremely ‘stable’ before even thinking about acting on any instincts. This is all before even considering the environment – it definitely feels like we all need to sort our shit out collectively before we keep overpopulating. If millennials are the first generation to really be questioning reproduction and the global birth rate has already more than halved over the past 70 years – what does this mean for the future? Will our anxious nature lead to the depopulation of the earth? The birth rate in third-world countries is still astronomical – will our first-world privilege of worry cost the growth of humanity? 

I tried to find someone who could help me understand the positives of having kids, however, the ones I asked laughed and told me ‘don’t’. With no other vices, I turned to none other than the extremely human source of ChatGPT to help me come up with some reasons that may be able to compete with Ellie’s infamous list. Here’s what ChatGPT had to say; 

  • You’ll never have to eat a whole pizza by yourself again (but let’s be real, you’ll still do it).
  • You’ll have a permanent excuse to watch cartoons and play with Legos.
  • You’ll get to relive your childhood memories and make new ones (but this time with better technology).
  • You’ll have a tiny human who will love you unconditionally (most of the time).
  • You’ll get to experience the magic of seeing the world through fresh eyes (and also get to relearn basic maths).
  • You’ll have a built-in excuse to avoid social events (“Sorry, I have a kid’s birthday party to attend…for the next 18 years”).
  • You’ll get to see your kid’s face light up when they discover their first favourite food (spoiler alert: it’s probably pizza).

What this taught me (other than that ChatGPT has peak millennial humour), is that it’s not really all that deep, is it? If ChatGPT thinks having kids is one big pizza joke, there must be some fun to it. It really is a primal instinct, and if people have been successfully having and raising kids, even before epidurals and iPads were a thing, it must be possible- as terrifying as it may seem. It’s really inevitable that we will all become the co-worker who proudly showcases their baby photos every shift. It’s human nature, really.