For Mullets

Mullet. Let it sink in. Doesn’t it just make the hairs on your neck stand up? In a really aroused way?

Some countries have national birds or national anthems, but New Zealand has a national haircut. You’ll hear from the everyday social observer that mullets are coming back, when in reality the haircut never left; it just went into a power-building hibernation to prepare itself for when the world needed it most, when society was crumbling and human uniqueness was beginning to fade away. That time came in 2019, when the mullet sprang from the hole that is Putaruru and made its way (one rugby club at a time) to the bustling metropolis of Hamilton.

With each unshaved back-of-the-head, conversations bloomed: “Wow, your mullet looks great”, “Man, I have to grow mine back”, “Sorry to hear your girlfriend left you once you got a mullet”. But of course there were critics, doubters of the movement, those who thought the mullet wasn’t as cool as it actually is. They reacted by passing judgement and then going home to stroke the back of their heads longingly and think “Would it look good on me? I wish I could pull it off”.

Recent research done at Harvard has Jack Goodhue convinced that his mullet is the source of his ever increasing strength, power and intellectual ability. Another study at Stanford done on New Zealand cities and towns has revealed that mullets and communal health and wellbeing possess a strong positive correlation. Cities like Wellington had high reports of ‘sadbois’ and ‘sadgirlz’, while proud like Te Kuiti were found to have people who possessed ‘more confidence than they ever needed’ according to a local.

Most importantly it’s a gender neutral haircut. Commonly associated with kiwi males, gals can rock it magnificently.

Against Mullets

Short on top, long in the back, the mullet was worn by beloved pop culture figures during the ‘80s. Let’s keep it that way. Having a mullet is not a substitute for a fucking personality nor does it make you a ‘good cunt’. Unless you’re trying to make the next cover of Child Predator Weekly, you shouldn’t have a mullet.

Let’s make it clear that having a mullet is no longer considered unique or original. There should be a prerequisite for this haircut – beer (specifically Waikato Draught) should be your liquid of your choice over water, the word ‘cunt’ should be used frequently and you can only shower up to three times a week. Josh, Mike, Logan and every chick from Lincoln’s Womens first XV now have a mullet so what’s your excuse?

Mullets go hand-in-hand with a high vis vest, not a fucking accounting major, and should only be seen at dress up parties or in movies. Try something really out the gate, like a bowl cut, that’ll grab the attention of more than 2 people from the Back Bar smokers area.

Don’t let anyone convince you that getting a mullet will make you ‘cooler’ than you are. Those that did pull off the mullet were among the likes of Bon Jovi, John Stamos and Paul McCartney. Do you think looking like Connor from the flat next door is an appropriate comparison? Trust me, it’s not.

I think it’s fair to assume that mullets have had their time some decades ago but in this day and age a mullet is nothing more than a shitty as fuck haircut you give your mate when he’s way too pissed to comprehend what a pair of scissors looks like. The mullet has done it’s dash and since, died. Let it rest in peace.