Contrary to popular belief, Hamilton isn’t the centre of the universe, and it certainly isn’t the most interesting part of the Waikato either. Come on – chuck some fucken diesel in your Ute, turn off the meter, and let’s go for a dangerous jaunt through endless fields of cowshit and toxic runoff to see what the fuck is up with the bolos down south.

Starting in Hamilton though, the Hamilton City Council continues to embarrass all of those who live in Kirikiriroa. Council dropped around $14,000 of our money to investigate six code of conduct complaints against noted dork Councillor Dave Macpherson, regarding “inappropriate comments and personal insults” he’d posted on Facebook. He was later quoted in Stuff as saying “’I’m known for stabbing people in the front, not the back.” Why don’t you just like.. Not stab anyone, bro? Also get a real job. This follows Deputy Mayor Geoff Taylor accidentally appearing naked on Zoom during a Council meeting earlier this month – he reckoned that he was only topless, but we know what was really going on, Geoff. We know. It also looks like rates are set to go up by an estimated 4.9% – catering for Council meetings isn’t cheap, it seems.

The population of one of Aotearoa’s rarest birds has been decimated by animals In Waihi.  Two dotterals and their three chicks have been killed both by cats and dogs off their leashes at Waihi Beach over the last few months. Dotterals, which are smallish brownish birds that live mainly on the east coast of New Zealand, are gumby enough to make their nests in sand dunes and areas with a lot of foot traffic, which causes a lot of difficulty for those trying to protect their species from extinction. It’s against the law to let your dog off its lead at many beaches across our country, but it seems some people just can’t resist letting their nasty little crusty white dogs run free across the sand and kill native birds (as a treat). Sadly, the Department of Conservation estimates there are only about 2500 dotterels left in New Zealand. Rest in peace to Zig, Zag, Stardust, Rebel and Spider – we are sorry to see you go, but Karen had to let her dog stretch its legs a little bit. You understand. 

Even though the median age in Te Awamutu Central is 48.1 years old, you’re never too old to pop your shoulder out of its socket attempting a heel flip. Upgrades are almost finished on Te Awamutu’s Centennial Skatepark, which will now feature some more stairs, a couple more rails… There’s like, one of those bowl things… I don’t know. I don’t know how skateparks work. Looks cool, though. The Council reckoned the upgrades were needed after residents expressed that they were leaving town to go to ‘better equipped’ skate parks, but maybe young people were just leaving town because it’s kind of boring and full of 48.1 year olds. 

Work is underway to restore Lake Kimihia to its former glory. Located just north of Huntly, Lake Kimihia has shrunk by almost 90% over the last 80 years due to open cast coal mining, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it is. Over the last few summers, the lake itself has been drying out completely (climate change! capitalism!), killing tuna (freshwater eels), and damaging the environment as a whole. The lake has long been a significant site for local Waikato-Tainui hapū, who will be collaborating with other local groups to install a bund, a weir, and two culverts in hopes of improving the lake. I don’t know what any of those things do, but they sound pretty cool right?

For those of you who are familiar with the sixty-odd painted cow statues throughout east Waikato, you may be shocked to hear that Morrinsville’s police cow, ‘SaferCowmoonities’, has had its horns ripped off by vandals. The so-called ‘herd manager’ was quoted in the Morrinsville News, lamenting the loss by saying “the police cow is a community cow… She’s a beautiful cow… That is a popular cow. It has upset the cow whanau [sic].” Police are currently investigating the attack, but they may be hard pressed to find the time in between racially profiling Māori and shooting people.