SEX IN THE TRON

Sure, you can drive a car, pay your rent, and get a degree. By all definitions, you are now an adult. Except, perhaps, for one thing – can you give good head? Warning: this is not PG content. 

Eating Pussy

Women have been hardwired to believe that their pleasure isn’t necessary. We’re subsequently far less likely to masturbate, learn what we like, and so it’s no surprise that most women struggle to reach climax. Paired with that, we also know that most men have literally no idea how to make a woman cum. So fuck it, let’s start the sorely needed sex ed they don’t teach in high school. 

Why is oral sex important? Well, picture going down a waterslide without water: foreplay is key. Every person is going to be different, but if I could write a handbook, here are some general rules. 

First of all, when you’re down there, do NOT make eye contact. Don’t even look up. For the next half hour, she does NOT want to see you. Accept it. This is super different to the male orgasm (where, let’s face it, guys love watching their dick get balls deep in the mouth of a doe-eyed blonde). She needs to really concentrate to reach climax, and for that, you need to let her enter her own world; it certainly can’t be done if she’s busy trying to somehow look attractive when you look up at her from a prime double-chin angle. 

Secondly, make it suspenseful. You aren’t at a fucking Gengy’s buffet on your tenth birthday  – draw it out. Whatever you do, do NOT rip her legs open and go ham at it like a pig at a trough. Tease her. You’re going to be doing this for a while, so strap in, be patient, and don’t expect her to cum after five minutes of DJ’ing on her clit (yes that’s a thing, and yes, we will probably talk about it. Don’t be that person). It’s going to take some time, ball park 15 to 40 minutes. So to begin with, trace your tongue down her body, touch her, kiss her inner thigh, and treat her more preciously than a goddamn 3pm Bubble O’Bill from your primary school’s local dairy on a 30 degree summer’s day (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re too young to be reading this). 

Start off with some super light licking, still keeping it slow and gentle, and if you’re a pro, quiver your tongue like you’re her favourite vibrator. 

Thirdly, keep in mind that every vagina is different. Oh, and if you don’t know where the clitoris is by now, then for God’s sake get your head out of your arse and Google it  – just remember it’s not the only part of the vulva you want to pay attention to. Direct clitoral stimulation can be downright painful for most women, especially if you’re nose diving straight into it without a warm-up. Some women are super sensitive in their nether regions and light, flat, tongue strokes are better, while others can take atmospheric pressure and full clit suction. The only way to find out is to try things out, ask her, and respond to what she likes. No joke, get her to pull on your hair when you’re doing something right. If she seems tense, or her legs are pressed close together, it’s probably a sign that she’s not comfortable. Take her cues and go more softly, or move your tongue off completely until she’s more relaxed. On the other hand, if her legs are wide open, she’s breathing heavily and it’s gushing down there, you’re on the right track. 

Don’t fear, you don’t need to perform crazy tongue acrobatics to be a pro. Try out a few simple movements  – circular motions, up and down, side to side, pulsating, throw in a figure 8 or an alphabet for more variety. Put your fingers to work. And hey, learn to talk dirty, you little prudes  – women are conditioned to feel like our orgasm is too difficult, time-consuming, and gross, so make it clear you’re having the time of your life. I can’t emphasise this enough. Groan, tell her how much you like eating her pussy, how good she tastes, how you could go down on her for hours, how turned on you are…when it comes to compliments, go. To. Town. When it’s clear you’re enthusiastic, she’s going to feel far more at ease, more turned on, and more likely to achieve the big O. Self-consciousness is no turn on. It’s a mind game; if her mind is off, so is her orgasm. Once she’s on the home straight, don’t stop, don’t slow down, and don’t speed up, either. Hold her hips down and keep doing exactly what you’re doing until the finish line. 

And that, my friends, is a basic formula for satisfying a woman. You’re welcome, and yes I do take cash x