You’ve made it to uni! Congratu-fucking-lations. Before we go anywhere, you need to be proud of what you’ve done to make it to this point. This is an amazing accomplishment, and you shouldn’t take that for granted. But for many, coming to Uni for the first time is followed closely by stress, anxiety, and the question of “what the hell do I do now?” Luckily for you, I’m here to tell you that I don’t know either. But what I can offer is some advice that we wish we’d been given when we first got here.

 

Letter to My First Year Self

 

The campus is more than just classes. Get out there and meet some people – there’s going to be a place for you.

 

Your course related cost payment is worth more than you think it is. Being a student means having to be frugal, so make smart choices.

 

Flatting with your mates may seem like a lot of fun, but make sure you can look them in the eye and demand some clean dishes. If you can’t confront them about owing you five bucks from lunch, then don’t go into a lease.

 

There’s no fucking heirachy of popularity. Those well-dressed baddies aren’t any better than you just because they’re using an Apple Pencil and iPad combo. Get a grip.

 

Part-time jobs aren’t admitting defeat. Go get a minimum wage hospo job. Get those blisters on your feet because you fucked up deciding on Vans as your footwear of choice. It’s part of the fun.

 

Always say yes to 90% of opportunities thrown your way. Will you be fucked the next day? Yes. Will you want to die for two days? Yes. Will you get hurt? Maybe. Will it make a great story? Fuck. Yes.

 

Halls Survival Guide

 

You 4 you. Highschool you is dead. It’s as simple as that. You’re no longer that weird kid that runs from class to class, so you don’t need to carry that shit over. No one is expecting you to become comfortable right away, so don’t. This is your opportunity to start fresh, reinvent yourself.. Maybe you’re a hat person now? The world is your kina.

 

Sex safe-tea. When you put a bunch of hormonal 18 year olds into a block of rooms, getting freaky is bound to happen. But that doesn’t mean that we need to open up a crèche adjacent to the dining hall in 8 months. One of the advantages of being on campus is that you have access to everything you need post-coitus. Student Health and the Pharmacy have you covered. Literally. Keeping yourself in check is now an important regular task. Don’t be dumb. Also use a fucking condom.

 

Screwing the Crew. An age old argument that stands the test of time. Now, I wasn’t given the fortune of being in the halls – but through the kōrero and speaking with our more knowledgeable deputy editor, it’s a hard decision to make. Here’s what I can say: polygamy is very much in right now. Be prepared to face the truth that your best mate probably fucked the same person as you. Just make sure that both parties are aware of what that relationship is, and what you’re wanting out of it. Make some rules, and communicate what it is you’re wanting from that. Be safe. Alternatively, give your life to Christ and you won’t have to worry about this ever again.

 

RL’s (Not RA’s anymore, wtf?). RL’s are there to help guide you through the trials and tribulations of the first year in the Halls. Aw, how wholesome. That doesn’t change the fact they’re power hungry bitches that get a kick out of terrorising first year students. They’re your first call if you’re faced with an awkward situation, so at least try to be nice? Maybe. They are getting paid so they have to be a little nice, reciprocate that shit. 

 

Substances. You’re going to get offered drugs, with a healthy kick of peer pressure. This may very well be your vibe, and that’s okay. But there’s ever any point where you have to say yes. Understanding your limits and boundaries is all part of the fun. Now doing drugs safely is important, and knowing when and where it’s suitable to have someone present. Tripsitting is the task of those older and more experienced, they’re there not to judge. We’re not promoting you to try drugs – but if you do, have someone there. Pls x

 

Flatting Tips

 

Broke bitches. Being a student means you’re going to be pōhara as. But that’s part of the fun, and is built into the education system which caters mainly to the rich. Every Monday you’re going to be scrounging around for some kai, calling pasta and tomato sauce ‘gourmet,’ and utilising chickpeas in the most creative ways. Now, you can absolutely be skint and save your dollars and there won’t be any judgement from us. However, that doesn’t mean you can be a cock to those spending their last $11 on tropical Kristov.

 

Landlords. Let’s not beat around the bush. Landlords are dictatorial, bottom feeding cunts with sour attitudes. I’m sure you can whisper in a lecture about your fuckwit of a landlord and hear at least five stories that match your current state. Knowing your worth is the most important part of the flatting experience, and picking your battles is a close fucking second. But hope is never lost. If you’re feeling like it’s time to curb stomp them, hit up the WSU and the advocates for advice, they’re literally there to help and prevent AgAs charges. Trust me, it’s not worth it. Print out a copy of the Tenancy Laws and put them on your fridge – at the very least, it might scare Karen from Lodge away.

 

CCC, cool cids cook. I’m not expecting pan fried scallops on a bed of microgreens, but levelling up from some two minute noodles and a scrambled egg couldn’t hurt. Learning a couple of staples and adding sauce or herbs can make a world of difference. 

 

Finding a median point. There’s going to be mornings where your dusty ass isn’t going to want to haul ass onto campus for a 9’er. While staying in bed is a great option, I would do a 3:4 ratio. For every 4 lectures, attend 3. Or whatever. I’m not your dad and I can’t tell you what to do. But make sure that there’s a balance between an impromptu bender and getting an A+ all through your first trimester. The overall takeaway is that you can be whichever version of yourself that you want to be (within reason).

 

Easy shopping for freshers.

 

Planning your first shopping trips is kind of a cunt to do, but genuinely there’s a few things you’ll likely buy and throw out. This isn’t wasteful but it’s definitely not efficient – so here’s a list of shit we’d recommend you buy on your first trip. Also don’t be dumb, buy your meat and veg from Derricks Butchery and Hillcrest Fresh respectfully. It’s cheaper.

 

– Spinach

– Garlic

– Brown Onions

– Potatoes

– Fruit (Anything is better than nothing)

– Rice

– Pasta

– Coconut Milk

– Seasonings and Spices

– Chicken

– Mince

– Eggs

– Cheese (Use those course related costs)

– Frozen mixed veggies

– Soy Sauce 

– Tomato Paste

– Kidney Beans

– Canned Tomatoes

– Tortilla Wraps

– Bacon (if power ain’t due)