The sesh as we know it is on hold for now. We must be patient for the golden days to come back where you’d just get absolutely plastered with the lads. However, thanks to snapchat you can get absolutely maggoted by yourself. Unless you’re living under a rock you’ve probably been nominated to smash back a vessel by one of your friends on snapchat, or even gone one step further and absolutely written yourself off in front of your parents. I have, but it wasn’t in front of my parents, and I got torn a new one the next day. God I love the piss. 

DRINK OF THE WEEK

Yankee Blue vodka 

Setting you back a cool $29 you know this won’t fuck around. This vodka will be the irish priest and you, the small boy. In terms of value for money you won’t find much better in terms of taste you will find much better. Once I went up to the cashier and asked if this was a good drop to see his reaction as I knew it would taste like paint thinner. The dude lied through his teeth and said it was “real smooth” and “very tasty”. That’s fine, gotta respect the hustle from the dude.. Last time I got under a bottle of this I called the bouncer a pile of spare parts and woke up smelling like a foreskin in a stranger’s bed 4 stars, recommend it to your run of the mill breather. 

RED CARD IDEA

Swamp Juice  

It’s similar to the idea of jungle juice however it’s far worse than jungle juice in terms of shitness and pain. Hence the name swamp juice. Get your group of mates and split into teams of an equal number. Each of you should buy alcohol between 12-16 standards ie a box of Waikato. 2 of you could team up and buy a 30 standard bottle vodka for the both of you if need be. You get the idea, you’re not stupid. Or are you? If you attempt this you probably are.The amount of standards you buy can be altered if you are light weights but I encourage you to challenge yourself. Now that each member of your team has their own box we enter stage 2. Pour the team’s alcohol into a single bucket, mix, and grab a glass. First team to finish their vile concoction of swamp juice wins.

SESH WARS

EPISODE 7: The King and I 

Me and the boys suited up for what would turn out to be one of the more eventful hospo nights of my young life. After a night of shenans in shenans we decided that it might be time to hit the road just before close. We went into the empty alleyway down to the Outback to call in our sober D. Now this is where things picked up. Some group of wounders came up to us spouting off about how they worked for the Lawrenson group and how we shouldn’t be down here. One of the more wounding members repeated about how he worked for John Lawrenson, as if that made him some sort of fucking hero. Anyway after a few insults chucked back and forth at each other he pushes my mate and it’s all on from there. Before I could get a good lick in, a large homeless man came steaming in like fucken Ben Tameifuna and hooked the super employee. He turns on my mate but before he lands his punch I intervene. I calm him down and ask his name. He replies, “chur brother”, in a low and raspy voice, “Im Nene, king of these streets’’. He then proceeded to pull a hockey stick from his backpack and continue his offensive against my friend. I made a friend that night. Long live the king.