Self-love? 

Musings from an ex-student 

 

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others – Gandhi 

 

During my 4 years at Te Whare Wananga o Waikato, I’d get home at the end of a long, stressful day of classes and group assignments, and spend the entirety of my evening bingeing The Office accompanied by a diverse range of chips, chocolate, and hot beverages, all in the name of “self-love”. Relatable? Nah, just me? 

 

And you know what I found after years of wasted evenings? “Loving” myself didn’t fix my problems, “loving” myself didn’t make me happy. And it sure as heck did not make me healthy (lol). 

 

Was I just doing it wrong? Of course, we need to take care of our well being if we’re going to take care of others. But what the “treat yo self” slogan and I differ on is how to do this. The Merriam Webster definition of “self-love” goes all the way from “an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue” to “inflated love of or pride in oneself”. Which just goes to show how the ideal of self-love has quite literally been lost in translation. 

 

So I’ve created my own definition, to help me separate the grain from the chaff; 

 

Self-love {self-ˈləv} 

Noun 

 

  1. understanding one’s own human nature, with its many strengths and weaknesses
  2. recognising one’s responsibility to direct their own thoughts and actions towards the good 
  3. realising one’s own infinite worth, which does not decrease with how many times one fails to do either of the above 

 

To me, self-love also means not hiding from the moments that have scarred me, seeking healing for them, and forgiving fully. And honestly, it’s hard work, and definitely not the easy way out. We are all so incredibly imperfect, and often still hurting, but I have so much hope. 

 

I had always wondered why people in objectively awful circumstances are often the most happy and at peace with their life (see Life is Beautiful, 1997), when people who seem to have everything they could need, can be so desperately sad. Maybe we cling to circumstances to validate our actions, our words, our thoughts, our feelings. We can explain till the cows come home why we have the right to be sad, but whether you’re born into a war-torn country, or the privilege of safety in New Zealand, your circumstances don’t decide whether your life will be good- you do. 

 

All we want is for that next “self-help” article to tell us why our life doesn’t feel complete. The truth is, you won’t magically find your way in a single moment of realisation, but please, please, don’t let that stop you from searching. My writing here will be imperfect, and it probably won’t be as light-hearted as you’d hoped for, but I’ve never been more convicted of something before. 

 

Live consciously, live for more 

Pax, 

Rose