Sure, you can read any of the other weekly headline sum-ups if you like – but where else would you find such raw, in depth analysis, such biassed and opinionated takes, such a beautiful grasp on the English language, such hilarious quips, and barely any coverage of the actual big top stories? Here’s some news from Aotearoa and beyond, and if you don’t like any of that and you just want some washed boomer shit, there’s always The New Zealand Herald.

Your least favourite male’s favourite male Elon Musk has purchased Twitter for a reported $43 billion dollars. Making his start in business with his daddy’s blood diamond money, Musk went on to found PayPal where he was later removed due to being ‘inexperienced’ – the rest of his career milestones include spreading COVID misinformation, posting cringe, calling an advisor at the Tham Luang cave rescue operation a pedo, allegedly having dinner with Jeffrey Epstein a bunch of times, and failing to meaningfully deliver on any of his promises at Tesla (where he is currently under investigation for insider trading). But he’s actually super cool cos he’s kind of like Iron Man, right? From those Marvel movies? So cool. He also designs and builds all the rockets at SpaceX himself, by hand. He like, does stuff with like, space and Mars and stuff. He’s just like, Tony Stark in real life hahahaha. The memes he posts from iFunny are totally epic too. So cool!

While the investigation into mistreatment at ARISE Church is ongoing, it seems like a reckoning for Pentecostal churches across Aotearoa is on its way. For those unfamiliar with the different flavours of Christianity, ‘Pentecostalism’ is a movement loosely based on the Christian Bible with, among other things, a strong emphasis on signs on the so-called ‘prosperity gospel’ (God wants you to be rich so if you give the church all of your money He will make you rich), and is generally characterised by huge, expensive buildings with smoke machines and services with high production value. 1News claim to have spoken to ‘dozens’ in these churches around the country with similar grievances to the ones raised by ex-ARISE members, which mainly centre around mistreatment of young volunteers and interns. A few prominent members of ARISE have addressed the controversy on Instagram, but for many it is seen as too little, too late.

A landlord in Canterbury has been fined after telling their tenants they weren’t allowed a trampoline on the property. After an investigation, the Tenancy Tribunal ruled that the ‘unenforceable’ clauses on the tenancy agreement, such as banning any fun, showed an attempt at ‘unreasonable control’ by the owner. Many tenants (especially students) don’t realise that a lot of what your Property Manager expects from you has no legal basis, and isn’t actually your responsibility at all – this includes things like ‘professionally cleaning’ carpets, agreeing to having no parties, etc.. Even if you did agree to similar clauses on your tenancy agreement, they aren’t actually enforceable, as the Residential Tenancies Act 1986 supersedes any bullshit that your landlord puts on there. In fact, your only responsibility is to keep the property ‘reasonably clean and reasonably tidy’ (Section 40(1C)). If you want to check the legality of your tenancy agreement, you can use this handy tool at www.checkmyclause.co.nz. This story follows another story of a flat in Dunedin supposedly meeting the ‘healthy homes standard,’ despite mouldy conditions sending the tenant to the emergency room. Landlords are just the best, aren’t they? It’s definitely a real job, too.

Heritage New Zealand are seeking up to $300,000 in damages after construction company J Swap allegedly destroyed part of a 700 year old pā. Concerns were raised back in January, when Stuff reported that a section of Pirauiti Pā had collapsed after blasting from J Swap’s neighbouring Waotu Quarry – which only came to light after a local farmer tipped off members of Ngāti Huri. J Swap claim that bad weather caused the slip – not drilling holes, placing explosives in said holes, and detonating the explosives right underneath the Pā. J Swap responded to questions from Nexus with an email that simply read, ‘Roger.’ I literally have no idea what that means.

One of Aotearoa’s bloodiest battles will be commemorated with the reconstructed Rangiriri Pā opening last weekend. British troops attempting to steal land clashed with Māori at the defensive redoubt in 1863, but were initially thwarted by both strong defences and the overall design of the Pā. The eventual loss of the battle of Bloody ‘Rangiriri’ led to 1.3 million hectares of land being stolen by British losers. The $3 million project led by Iwi hopes to see tourists brought to the area to learn more about the history of Aotearoa. I riro whenua atu me hoki whenua mai.