While you’re on break doing whatever it is that you do (vaping and watching Netflix) we’ve been hard at work, reading the news so you don’t have to.

 

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Aotearoa’s Director-General of Health, Ashley Bloomfield, has resigned. Bloomfield grew somewhat of a cult following over the last few years of the Covid-19 pandemic, delivering clear, concise, and articulate health messaging during the daily 1pm press conferences that we remember all too well. As well as being an excellent example of what a public servant should be, he will also be remembered for scoring the first try in the annual Parliamentary rugby game, and being named one of the ‘best dressed’ Kiwis by Stuff in 2020. He still has about four months left in the job, but as for his next move, he said in a statement that he’s “looking forward to taking an extended break and spending time with family before deciding on what [to] do next.” Take a load off, Ashley. You deserve it.

The Government of the most cursed continent in the world, Australia, has named 21 May for their next election, where they will replace an out of touch generic white man with most likely another out of touch generic white man. Who cares?

After a 700 day campaign led by Ngāti Tamainupō, The Environment Court has denied consent for Perry Group to excavate a historically significant site in Ngāruawahia. Pukeiāhua Pā was forcibly removed from Māori during the Waikato Wars of the 1860s, where British troops led by ‘Sir’ George Grey slaughtered hundreds of Māori men, women and children in order to open the Waikato to European settlement. The contested land contains six historic food pits which the area gets its name from (wahia ngā rua, or ‘break open the food pits’). Perry Group were originally granted consent to destroy the rua in 2020, but were delayed by an occupation on the site by Ngāti Tamainupō, who revealed they were not listed as mana whenua on the original application. Ngāti Tamainupō hope to turn the area in to a public reserve.

A thoroughbred horse who won a race at Otaki Racecourse in January has been retroactively disqualified after it tested positive for meth. The horse, BE FLEXI, was swabbed for drugs after taking out first place and was later found to have had both methamphetamine and amphetamine in its system. The trainer, who also tested positive for meth, faces a five year suspension and has been ordered to return over $6000 of winnings from the race. It isn’t clear how the drugs got in to BE FLEXI’s system, but the trainer has expressed deep remorse, and meth addiction is no joke, so prayers up for them.

After residents in Te Pahū noticed an increase of rubbish landing in unusual papers, it was discovered that a glitch in a nearby wind farm at Te Uku was blowing rubbish directly in to ‘trees, hedges and fences’ in the area. After extreme weather conditions earlier in the year, the wind turbines fucked out and turned in to what is essentially a farm of giant fans, causing rubbish from beaches in Raglan to be shot in to the sky. After realizing the fault, the owners of the wind farm fixed the problem by ‘turning them off and on again.’

After David Farrier’s bombshell piece regarding ARISE Church last week, a PR agency has released a statement on their behalf – first to student magazine Critic, and then directly to their website. The statement begins with some light victim blaming before promising to listen and learn (even though they turned off their comments on social media), and ARISE claim to have enlisted the services of an independent reviewer to collect and collate stories from aggrieved ex-members of their church. We will continue to follow this story closely.

Lastly, a very important update – you may recall last week’s story regarding the burning shit in Marokopa – the alleged shit burner has responded in King Country News, vehemently denying that he ever lit a pile of his own shit on fire. The resident in question claimed the longdrop was only used a few times over the last five years, and claims there was only four people in Marokopa at the time of the fire. The original accuser still sticks by their claims that there was, in face, human shit on the fire. While King Country News say they won’t be printing any more articles about the shit fire, you can rest assured Nexus will never give up, never surrender.