Unfortunately for the sixth year running, Neil Quigley has rejected the Nexus petition to rename the halls after the houses in Hogwarts. Quite frankly we expected better from someone who has based his whole aesthetic and vibe around the question “What if Harry Potter grew up, bought a dog, and became interested in what “Univariate Models Tell Us about Canadian Economic Growth” instead of magic?”

 

The truth is that we can’t officially rename the halls, but since most of you have already gone through the dual sorting hats of parents income and room availability, we figured we can at least let you know if you are a Slytherin or a Hufflepuff. For this there are no quizzes, no ‘mostly C’s’ are. We are just going to lay some truth on you and tell you what this means for your degree, your friendships, your choice of alcohol, and your likely romantic partners. 

 

Of course, if you disagree with us, you can always come and write your own content for Nexus…

 

College Hall – Gryffindor

 

What are Gryffindors most known for? Bravery, courage, loyalty, and respect? No… instead it would be their fucking God complexes. Now we’re not saying that monetary value trumps your ability to hold conversations that don’t revolve around you, but tell us more about how driving a Tesla feels ‘different’ to a Honda Civic. Genuinely, you’re probably very nice people to get to know, but that would involve coming out of your rooms and having a kōrero with anyone other than your mirror. Surely share that box of long whites with the rest of us?

 

But we know that you’re probably wondering what this means for your chosen career path or where you’re heading in life. What we can divulge is that your degree in Law or Psych is definitely the right set up you need before heading into a lifetime of pushing papers and yelling obscenities at those beneath you on the pay scale. 

 

You’ll most likely find yourself kicking it with other people from your floor, forming those soul-bonding relationships where you tag each other in a throwback post, with a caption like “Take me back xoxo”. Alongside the myriad of posed laughing shots is the inevitable couple pic with the view from the top of Mt. Maunganui, which is strategically placed last. We’re totally sure that you’re ‘grateful for this one’, in reference to your significant other. Didn’t anyone ever tell you guys to not screw the crew?

 

Bryant Hall – Ravenclaw

 

“Fuck this weeks reading is really hitting the spot bro, can’t wait for the next chapter” is something only said by those hailing from the hallowed halls of Bryant Hall. We’re not saying statistically that the engineering students fill out the rooms, but if the mechanical crane lifts the thing…? I didn’t do engineering, fuck knows if that metaphor works. The rivalry between Bryant Hall and Studville seems like a sure comparison between Slytherin and Gryffindor, but that’s too on the nose. It’s definitely a battle between brains and just cunning motherfuckers.

 

If engineering isn’t your tea, then we’re sure that the plethora of other super fun degrees will entice you. Accounting, as I’ve been told, can be just as interesting and fulfilling. Generally, you can find all the leaders of tomorrow out there, stuffing their faces with some grade A kai from Kahurangi. But does that mean they’re any fun to be around? Probably not. They’re definitely going to correct you on almost any topic; not holding back when it comes to asserting their extensive knowledge on some obscure film from an auteur in 1967. Get a grip.

 

It genuinely wouldn’t surprise us if you ended up married straight out of Uni with some random person you met in the line at Back Bar or during Beerfest. But honestly, you’ll be having some fun on the way, and that doesn’t mean lines from some random breather at a house party, but stacking some numbers. Use a condom please.

 

Studville – Slytherin

 

Evil takes human form in those from Studville. Well not really, but you’re definitely louder than any other student on campus. The deafening sound of loud ass feet, stupid chants and incessant complaints can be heard when Student Village arrive at the shed party. But don’t be fooled, they’re always going to be a good time, with someone pulling cups and cards from their shit WSU tote that’s already mouldy. Bro, what the hell have you been hiding in that thing?

 

Waikato till you daikato is looking like a pretty solid stick and poke tattoo, amiright? Piss in a cup should be enough to keep you going for any length of time, because you’re sure as shit not picky when it comes to drinks of choice. We’re certain that a shoey is done on the regular in some of those rank rooms of yours. Would it hurt to run a vacuum over those floors once in a while?

 

Non-committal is a term you’ll become familiar with over time as you bounce from relo to relo, but if you think this is us judging you, you’re wrong. Carefree is in your nature and it’s admirable of you to make the choices that you do. Some of your more stuck up comrades could take note and relax a little bit. We’re looking at you Orchard Park.

 

Orchard Park – Hufflepuff

 

Ever asked yourself, I wonder where all the teaching students are? Well look no further. If the distance from Uni wasn’t enough to keep them away, the intense anti-social behaviour patterns will certainly put the nail in the coffin. We’re aware that we take stabs at Orchard Park on the regular, and for good reason. There’s never been a social event where the phrase, “No shit, Orchard Park has arrived” was able to drum up copious amounts of excitement. 

 

We’re obligated by an unwritten rule to mention that the drink of choice has got to be Red Powerade. Because who the fuck wants Red Powerade? Like the flavour is Fruit Punch?! Who the fuck wants Fruit Punch… freaks. 

 

When it comes to relationships, we can’t imagine you hooking up with some rando from town on a Friday night. And honestly, the concept of you marrying anyone other than your childhood sweetheart is enough to send chills down the spine of any bible-pushing lunatic. It’s kind of cute to think about though, marrying someone you’ve spent the past five years with, never having kissed any other human and then living your life with that same, one person. Fuck I’m lonely.