My body is generally cunted; not in any horrendous life altering way, more so that of a mild hypochondriac, or of someone who’s had a handful of uncomfortable conditions and feels the need to share them in the hope of making others ever so slightly more comfortable with their own. For legal reasons I must disclose that in no way, shape, or form, should any of my advice ever be taken. I’m not a doctor, a medical professional, or even a worthwhile member of the public; while everything disclosed below may be painfully true, if you’ve got something funky going on just have a chat to your GP.

 

Docs diagnosis: Thrombosed Haemorrhoid (External)

Dumbed down: A large, painful, and rather traumatic bum lump

 

Straight off the bat we’re taking a trip back to St Patrick’s Day 2020; despite being in the glorious Emerald Isle, pubs were closed, everyone was spooked, and the first national lockdown was about a week out. Nevertheless, it was a brisk start followed by a sustained course of crisp cans, interludes of fresh Jameson, and heavy creamy carbs. If your digestive tract was ever ready to commit a hate crime – the stars were aligned. With the absence of cosy pubs and trad bangers there was minimal chance for anything too ruckus, there’s no doubt we consumed enough to warrant not feeling top tier the next day, but there was nothing overly out of the ordinary. By about 1am our attempt a big Paddy’s day had fizzled into a bloated waddle to bed, dragging myself up the stairs in a desperate attempt to hit the sack – I felt a sharp tinge in my rear-end. Now as an overweight former League of Legends addict, I’d consider myself well versed in the world of mild haemorrhoids as a result of living like a hermit for days at a time, at this point I scuttled to the bathroom and gave myself a quick, yet heavily inebriated, checkup. There was definitely something going on – but I was fucked, so made the executive decision that it was a problem for another time. 

 

I must’ve passed out for about an hour and a half, maybe 2 tops, before waking drenched in sweat and overcome with a slightly distressing level of discomfort. For the next hour this discomfort grew as I slowly sobered up, eventually reaching a point where standing, moving, laying down, walking, or just generally existing was nigh on excruciating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a pussy with minimal pain tolerance, but this was truly something else. By about 5am I’ve managed to convince myself that I’ll die at any moment, I’ve made the decision that I’ve got to get to A&E, and knowing that my puckered ring is about to be greeted by an incredibly unlucky medical professional – I make the executive decision to shower. With that ordeal out of the way I’m then hit with the reality that no sane Uber driver would drive me to a hospital at 5am during peak COVID hysteria – luckily some poor cabbie thought I was just having a wee panic attack on a comedown and popped me up the road straight to the door. 

 

At this point I can’t really walk, sit, or stand; the hangover is kicking up a notch, and despite being very open with hospital staff they insist I “just be a darling and take a wee seat there”. Luckily with everyone moderately spooked with the ol’ pandemic A&E was a desolate wasteland, I was promptly scurried through triage and eventually left in the gentle, yet very unfortunate, hands of a doctor about to finish her shift by getting a few knuckles deep my shit. Despite assuring her that I couldn’t care less about a solo expedition into my rear end without a male present, as I assumed the pantless fetal position the room filled with what felt like every young buck in the department; with 2 firm hands spreading my cheeks I nearly blacked out with the pain as what I’m sure was an unnecessary amount of fingers popped inside, on, adjacent to, and generally just dandered around my heinous anal protrusion. While I’m sure being fingered by multiple Irish doctors at once would be a fantasy for a lot of readers, as somewhat of an unwilling recipient I still struggle to see the appeal. 

 

Following the removal of gloves, vigorous hand scrubbing, and a series of existential deep breaths, the doctor confirmed my diagnosis of an external thrombosed haemorrhoid – at this point the cause was unknown, but they did have 2 treatment options:

  1. Roll me into surgery, cut the cunt out, and hope I don’t lose complete control of my sphincter for the rest of my life. Yoza.
  2. Give me a handful numbing gels, mildly fun painkillers, daunting suppositories, and a firm pat on the back with the hope that my haemorrhoid eventually pops back inside.

Luckily for everyone in my general proximity they decided the risk of surgery was a tad much for such a young and promising member of society, unluckily for me I was soon left laying on my side in the back of a taxi engaging in some thrilling small talk about the wild night I must’ve had. Over the course of the next month I became semi-professional at shelving pinky sized tablets of hardened soothing cream, became obsessed with flatulence and bowel movements due to the pain each would cause, and generally sat in solitude contemplating my sins. All in all a fairly standard Paddy’s Day. 

 

While there’s no doubt this was quite the anticlimactic ramble, the least I can do is pass on some wisdom in the hope you avoid my fate, or that if you’re even blessed with a cheeky bum lump you don’t feel as embarrassed about it. Since this initial ordeal I’ve had 2-3 mild recurrences and a shitload of medical consultation, it was eventually determined that mine were being caused by substantial changes in diet in an attempt to speed up weight loss, heavy lifting (big skux alert), and probably just a bit of a predisposition to them, here’s what I’ve learnt: 

  • Hemorrhoids are super common, generally you won’t really notice them, or there’ll be slight discomfort and a tiny bitta blood when you wipe – no biggie
  • Don’t swap your diet to a heavily calorie restrictive liquid alternative out of the blue, if you’re trying to shred a bit of excess just build up to it rather than throwing your body into a week long shock 
  • If you’re going to take supplements such as CLA’s or L-Carnitine just trial it for a couple of days to gauge how your stomach reacts before really getting into it 
  • Try to not eat 1-2 tubs of gum a day in an attempt to cope with the stress of the March 2020 lockdown 
  • If you ever end up with a cheeky hemorrhoid trust me that using suppositories is infinitely more effective than over the counter creams, you might have to get a knuckle deep to push them up the first couple times but after that you’ll get the knack of it