David Symour running a Death Cult?

Professor Joanna Kidman of Victoria University has been ‘spoken to’ by the institution after her controversial tweets on X.

In response to an article that suggested the Government were to bring back ‘Military-Style youth academies’ in 2024, Kirkman had queried whether we had a government or a death cult, and asked if the Government ‘hated children.’ She also accused them of taking food away from kids, ‘most of whom will be poor and brown.’ We can only assume that Victoria University chastised Kidman for not using correct APA referencing because everything else seems solid. Moreover, if anyone is going to know anything about a Death Cult it is the faculty at Victoria University. 

This is the second high-profile X spat Seymour has had in a month, with him previously calling for  Health Coalition Aotearoa co-chair Professor Lisa Te Morenga to resign after she tweeted (among other things) that Seymour had Anger Management Problems. 

In both instances Seymour stated that he just ignores the criticism. And the way he chose to ignore the criticism was by seeking both womens resignations. Because they shouldn’t be doing those things while also being women. If they are on the government payroll they should only make jokes about blowing up Government departments like Pacific Ministries and Guy Fawkes.

$120 Million Dollar Hotel To Be Built in the CBD

The brain trust behind some of Auckland’s high-profile Viaduct Buildings is starting construction on a new $120 Million CBD Hotel in Hamilton. 

One side of the hotel will have glorious views of the country’s dirtiest river, while the other will share the iconic cityscape of “for lease” signs up and down Victoria Street.

When asked to comment, four homeless people sleeping on Victoria street said they welcomed another high-end hotel but would prefer beds, while two students on campus asked if the CBD was somewhere near the base.

PaknSave to Build a Roundabout

In an almost comedic reality, Foodstuffs have decided that in order to progress work on the new PaknSave Te Rapa they first have to construct a new roundabout to ease congestion that would be caused at the site. When we reached out to PaknSave for comment on whether they could afford the roundabout a spokesperson said “Have you seen the price of our fucking eggs?” This prompted Nexus to ask this question to Neil Quigley: “If you are going to build a new Medical School can you also Astroturf the green to ease the traffic congestion and wet socks?”

New Cocktail Tasting Room and Boutique Bottle Shop Heading to Made 

Brand new and exotic taste sensations are being promised in Made’s new bottle shop. While that line feels as though it could have been taken from any of Hamilton’s finest brothels, it actually came from the Co-Owner of Wonder Horse as he announced his new venture. So if you are wondering what type of clientele it may attract, the answer is A. Divorcees, and B. All white people.

We can ‘Almost’ Clone a Mammoth 

Scientists are reporting we can ALMOST clone a mammoth. This news will be great for fans of the Movie Ice Age and its 18 sequels. However, it comes as a blow for those suffering from Cancer and Parkinsons’ who now find their research further deprioritised behind erection drugs, male pattern baldness, and the cloning of useless animals.

Real-Life Iron Man Suits

Dubai recently saw the first race between two pilots of “Iron Man Suits.” The suits are essentially just spandex and Jetpacks, and we don’t want to be THAT news team, however, they looked more Power Ranger than Tony Stark. The prize for winning was both  cash and  prestige, but sadly what was not up for grabs was the approval of their respective fathers.

Sausage Smuggling In Prison

A Waikato Prison Officer is facing charges for illegally smuggling cannabis to an inmate through sausages. We get that this is a serious charge, but at the same time, how are prisoners allowed to import their own meat selections, cannabis or not? Sparking fears for ourselves, the Nexus investigative team conducted rigorous tests at O’Week and not only do the WSU sausages contain no trace of cannabis, we aren’t entirely sure they contained what we can legally define as meat.

Florida Man Games

The inaugural Florida Man games were held last week. The events featured included beer drinking and evading police. One of the competitors who won (are there winners in this?) said that he was being cheered on by his wife, his sister and his cousin- we tried to get a comment but she was at the concession stand.