Dear Aunty Slut,

How do I let my boyfriend know that I like kinky sex? (I don’t mean like, gimp masks and flaying and scat or anything, just, you know, a bit kinky.) How do I tell him I like to be held down a little, without him thinking I’ll be his subordinate in other areas of our relationship too? Also, he’s a bit of a straight laced dude, what if he’s not into it, or thinks I’m a crazy?

Unkinked and Unhappy

Dear Unkinked and Unhappy,

It’s completely normal to want to be dominated a bit in the bedroom, but also to be respected and treated as an equal in other areas of your life. Well, I hope so anyway, or I am totally screwed.

If your dude thinks that if you like a bit of choking with your orgasms then your only desire is to live in the kitchen making him sammiches or cleaning the house then he’s a fuckwit. Until he demonstrates a complete lack of brains or character though, let’s give him some credit. Submission in the bedroom does not mean submission everywhere else.

Aunty Slut recommends that you wind him up, get him fucking you in doggy style and really going for it then ask him to hit you. He’ll either comply with gusto, or get confused. Either way, it broaches the subject.

But if your dude’s a bit of a wimp it might be best to start small. Ask him to pin your wrists above your head. Get him to pull your hair. Ask him to bite you. Bend over and ask him to decorate your rear with sexy handprints. If he baulks and doesn’t put enough force behind any of the above, use that lovely sexy word ‘harder’ until he does it properly. If that doesn’t get him in the mood, ask him again.

If you’re worried that your guy is going to think less of you for wanting your hair pulled or your ass slapped, you need to talk to him about it, because it sounds to me like you’re uncomfortable asking him to fulfil you sexually. Whether this is because you’re worried he’s going to judge you or because you secretly judge yourself is irrelevant- give those fears a middle finger and embrace the kink. Communicate, be safe and revel in a bit of painful pleasure

If nothing else please remember- if you like being bitten, having your ass spanked or your hair pulled it doesn’t mean you’re a whore. It means you’re fucking awesome.

Disclaimer- make sure you’re into consensual, intimate and safe kink because if you’re taking cues from Fifty Shades then you need to be very, very careful. The shit storm contained within that trilogy is a text book abusive relationship- and full of scary messages about consent, romance, S&M and desire. (I could go on, but if you really need convincing that Fifty Shades is NOT to be aspired to, hit http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.nz/)